You puzzle me.
I’m puzzle-fied.
I’ve got no time for this. Go away.
Back to work.
Good note : Ellie walked in the rain today. It was liberating. It’s nice being notty once in a while. Ellie says she’s not square. In fact, she’s round. Very round.
Bad note : Finals in 2 weeks. La di da.
I actually don’t feel like blogging all that much. But it’s one of those afternoons that you reflect on (because the public declares it a holiday) and realise, that if you don’t write it down (or type it) whichever your preference, something may just slip from your fingers. A memory, a thought, a dream, an idea…a something.
Anyways, i’ve been feeling really tired lately. It seems that no matter how often or how *long* i sleep, i still feel tired. I’ve been feeling rather dry too. It’s hard to say what it is exactly but i guess, it happens when God wants to remind you what and why exactly you’re doing what you’re doing.
I was so dry that i popped an MTG into my faithful lappie and spent a good 3 hours listening to 3 different messages. It was a good reminder. But it wasn’t quite what i was looking for. Then came last Sunday. Ps Kenneth spoke really good messages in BOTH services, but it was the 2nd one that really got to me. It was what i needed. It was what that i know now, shall keep me *continuing* what i have been doing. Only perhaps, with a more clearer purpose. A clearer direction that i *am* indeed walking in the path that He’s laid out for me.
I had a dream or vision. Whatever you want to call it. It was such a long time ago. Beginning of 2006 i think. When i first started to actively serve in CampusCity. My previous leader, asked during one of our “power group” meetings, “Where do you see yourself in terms of serving, in the near future?” During that time, i wasn’t sold to the vision of Acts or CampusCity yet. I only went cause well, my leaders asked me to. But i began to like it. Just so you guys know, i started off with ushering first :)
But anyway, i prayed about it. Where did i see myself being in terms of serving in the near future (haha, i was even thinking of not serving at all), but God has different plans and He gave me this picture. I saw myself back-up singing (which is what my then leader was currently serving as) and i saw myself worship leading. At the time, i was thinking, “I can’t do it. So scary. I can’t sing in public, much less worship God in public.” But i could feel within me then, that i really wanted to do it. That if i was given the opportunity, the know-how’s and training of doing what she did, i could. And i told that leader that i saw myself doing so.
Guess what i’m doing now? :)
That particular leader of mine is no longer in CampusCity, moved on to what God has given her a picture to do. But i’m still here. Serving in CampusCity. Doing exactly what i told her i was going to do.
It was a dream that i’ve forgotten until last evening as Ps Kenneth preached. Just a few days before yesterday, i was questioning my role as worship coordinator and i was concerned. Spoke to my mentor and released my frustrations so to speak. I felt i wasn’t doing a good job. I felt that i wasn’t leading or inspiring my team as i should be. I felt…inadequate. I felt i wasn’t doing what i was called to do. I mean, a calling is supposed to be easy no? Especially if you’re MEANT for that particular calling. And a few days ago, i wasn’t sure if worship was mine. It didn’t help when i wasn’t seeing what *i* wanted to see in the team, in the service, in the whole thing. *Something* was missing.
And Ps Kenneth said, “Don’t wonder too much about what you’re called to. GOD doesn’t forget what He has called you to. He doesn’t change His mind. Don’t let the enemy rob you of a dream that you were meant to have. Don’t lose that cutting edge in you.”
And i remembered that dream or vision He gave to me. I’m already living it out.
Who am i to give it up just because i felt dry? Or inadequate?
Who am i to forget what God has called me to do?
Okay, so admittedly, i can definitely do better than what i’m doing now. But sometimes when we keep doing and doing till we forget WHY we’re doing what we do, we don’t do it as well as we should?
And we’re supposed to. We’re supposed to serve Him and CONTINUE serving Him. Steadfastly. “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” - Galatians 6:9
I *felt* that i wasn’t making an impact. When in fact, i could. If i tried letting go of MY controls, if i let His Spirit flow through me and use me as He wishes. Instead of being the stubborn, chicken-shit i am. I could and i CAN make an impact. I may not have the greatest voice in the world, neither can i play any instruments (at the moment) but just maybe…i’m placed where in the position that i’m in for a reason that only He knows.
I remember my dream(s) now. And i’m gonna claim everything that God has planned for me. He only has His best. Applies in every aspect too. I can only do what i do now, better :) And that’s a comfort. I’m not gonna stop growing (not physically of course) and i’m gonna keep doing what i’m doing. Only better. With God helping me, i will.
It’s just You and me again, Lord.
Some people may find it hard to believe, but just maybe…i am where i am because You want me to be :)
It’s a good reminder for everyone that we’re loved. Whether or not, we’re good. Or bad. We serve. Or don’t. When we say the wrong things. Or right. We’re still loved in His eyes.
Why is it so hard for people to believe that they’re loved then?
I felt overwhelmed with God’s love once again knowing that i’m not perfect. As much as i try, i can never be just that. Not even with my obsessive compulsive disorder. I’ve done a couple of things in the past that i’m not proud of. Like, really. And yet, He still loves me so. He still led me to Him after all that i’ve done.
That feeling of knowing that although we’ve done some things that are not pleasing in His sight, it’s with those same eyes that He sees us, for who we are. And loves us all the same.
How can you not believe that you’re loved? Especially when He IS love.
My beloved spoke, and said to me :
“Rise up, my love, my fair one,
And come away.”
-Song of Songs 2:10-
There are some things that i don’t question. God’s love is one of them.
I had a very productive day. At least, i feel it has been productive.
I had a long day of class. Met up with TimTam for lunch (after such a long time, ya, Tim?), so that was nice :)
I felt a bit lost in my finance classes today but that only spurred me on to start studying for finals already. Heh. Scared dy.
I made a list of 12 things to do yesterday. Out of which, i only completed one task. Today, at precisely 8.45pm, i made a list of 7 tasks and i completed 6. It just goes to prove that focus is good. And that i’m an obsessive compulsive freak who loves checking lists. :D
I sense satisfaction every time something gets crossed off my lists. It thrills me.
Random thought : Yes, i’m good at some things. Like, spewing out emails and making new friends. But hopelessly retarded in others. Like finance and techy stuff. Aren’t we all? Hehehehehe. God’s grace is sufficient.
On days like these
When the rain won’t fall
And the sky is so dry that even birds can’t call
I can feel your tears disappearing in the air
Carried on the breeze
On days like these
It’s years like these
That make a young man old
Bend his back against the promises that life should hold
They make him wise
They can drive him to his knees
Nothing comes for free
On days like these
But you can’t reap what you don’t sow
And you can’t plant in hollow ground
So let us fill this empty earth with hope
Until the rains come down
In lives like these
Where every moment counts
I add up all the things that I can live without
When the one thing left is the blessing of my dreams
I can make my peace
With days like these.
-Janis Ian-Days Like These-
Yeah, i can definitely make my peace with days like these.
P/S : After watching this and this, not to mention this, i do believe my little monkee friend was right. Maternal instincts are surfacing. Darn. I think you guys should worry. Lols.
