Archive for June, 2009

:: play the limbo ::

June 30, 2009 at 10:54 pm · Filed under On Everything Else, On Fears, On Life, On Personal Stuff, On Work

…or do the conga. Hah. I find myself to be in QUITE of a limbo lately. 

The ‘anxious waiting for results’ and…’misguided truths of working’ has been haunting me. Still. I really am trying to ‘live’ as God has purposed me to, but…it’s hard to make decisions on what you’d like to do when there’s no…closure. 

Thus, the limbo. I’m moving forwards and yet…bending backwards. Sigh. With God’s grace, i’m praying i won’t be one of those who fall on the ground. And lose. 

BUT, on to happier things! I shall give minute updates on myself since….i’m rushing to sleep by 11pm. Just because i CAN! Whee. 

  1. I’ve started working part-time on Tuesdays and Thursdays in CKJ Logistics, my dad’s friends company in Kelana Jaya. I do…whatever i’m asked to do there. Lol. If you’re around SS6, gimme a call and we can do lunchies! 
  2. I just finished reading “The Last Lecture”. Ate some good nuggets in there. My favourite : Somehow, with the passage of time, and the deadlines that life imposes, surrendering becomes the right thing to do. – Randy Pausch 
  3. I’ve still got two more books to read and thoroughly enjoy, considering the ‘lack of internet’. 
  4. I’d be volunteering in AYA still. Doesn’t feel like i’ve stopped. But yeah, if you’re in SS15 too, gimme a call and we’ll do another round of lunches. Wednesdays and Fridays good? ;) 
  5. I’m learning to enjoy God and really just spend time with Him. It’s amazing how time flies when..you’re having fun :) Only You can make me whole, give me strength to make me grow…come, Holy Spirit, fall afresh on me. Nothing like mercies that are new every morning to get you started! 

On another note, i’m learning to ignore everything people say…and to only pay attention to what people do. Here’s to taking time off from people and…gathering my thoughts again. I’ll just wait it out. Maybe this ‘break from the internet’ has a different purpose from what i expected :)

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I’ve been on Lifehouse mode. Call me emo…but. 

And i will walk on water.And you will catch me when i fall. And i will get lost into your eyes. And know everything will be alright. - Storm, Lifehouse

It’s nice feeling safe. Would it matter if it was only evoked by a song? I wish. 

*throws clutter away from brain*

Everything will be alright.

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:: stop it ::

June 26, 2009 at 12:54 am · Filed under On Everything Else

I need to stop being a Marthellie.

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:: secured ::

June 26, 2009 at 12:50 am · Filed under On Books, On Life, On Love

I’d be the first to admit tonight that i felt…jealous. And out-casted. It was not ‘right’ for me to feel that way at all. And it’s such a waste of time. Really.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly, broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable…The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell.

-The Four Loves-C.S.Lewis-

I’ve learnt that people will disappoint me. And i had and will most definitely disappoint others. Though i’d try not to. I’m learning every day how to be secured in the Lord. To know that my ultimate goal is to please God, and no one else. And when i can do that fully, willingly, selflessly…i am able to offer to others, be free to desire and be willing to be disappointed. These people who made me feel the way i felt…may never change. But Lord, my view and how i respond to them, can.

God, teach me…to be vulnerable enough to be used by You.

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:: of offerings ::

June 24, 2009 at 1:40 am · Filed under On Books, On Life, On Personal Stuff

It’s been an interesting week. Supposedly celebrating my newfound freedom, i guess i’ve yet to do what i’d USUALLY do on a holiday. Have yet to go shopping, or watch movies, or hang out till late night (not that its necessary, but its more to the fact that i CAN), or…randomly making trips to far-off places just to find food. Maybe cause my kaki’s are either working…or…overseas. Lol. Oh well, at least Aileen’s back! And yay! You’re not quarantined. *laughs* 

I’ve been feeling challenged this past week. And…all i can say is that..God had to deal with that. Sooner than later, i suppose :) And i’m..so thankful, that He did not forget me. As i worshipped after last Sunday Evening Service, on my knees…He did NOT forget me. And…once again, i needed that. He’s given me that confidence. He poured out His presence. Jesus didn’t die for me so that i can worry. I’ve repented. If any of you see me worry with regards to a particular matter, you have permission to thwap me with a bamboo shtick. 

Anyways.

I read something which i wanted to share. Something which i was challenged to do in my quiet time. Something which…i’d love to work on. 

The gift of presence is a rare and beautiful gift. To come – unguarded, undistracted – and be fully present, fully engaged with whoever we are with at the moment. Have you noticed in reading the gospels that people enjoyed being around Jesus? They wanted to be near Him – to share a meal, take a walk, have a lingering conversation. It was the gift of His presence. When you were with Him, you felt He was offering you His heart. When we offer our unguarded presence, we live like Jesus. And we invite others to do the same. 

-an excerpt from Captivating-John & Stasi Eldredge-

I’d love to do that. I was challenged…to truly share myself and be totally at ease, NOT thinking about other things when i’m with people, especially with people who…need me to be ALL there. I guess i should be honest to say that i’m naturally a private person (yeah, for a person who BLOGS, i know). And i only share stuff with…a small group of people. However, i was made to realise that…i ain’t gonna glorify God when i don’t speak about what He’s doing in my life. My testimonies are not testimonies until i testify. And…relationships can’t be built…until there’s a foundation of…trust, a little bit of give and take. Thus, i solemnly promise that i will try to give my unguarded presence to whoever it is i am with at that moment. Be it my family, pastors, leaders, friends. There’s a need to focus on people. And God helping me, i’d like to share a meal, take a walk and have lingering conversations with you :) 

God’s challenging me…to offer me.

I’d add a disclaimer…but…i’m gonna assume that this post will be interpreted wisely ;)

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:: now what? ::

June 16, 2009 at 3:30 pm · Filed under On Dreams, On Personal Stuff

I tot i’d feel relieved. But i feel scared :( So many what-if’s that i have no answers to. 

God, what do i do now?? 

*hugs knees*

Edited : YWA jokes are not appreciated. Not now. Just give me time ok?

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:: i wish ::

June 13, 2009 at 11:32 pm · Filed under On Love, On Music

…i could write like this. 

It’s the kind of sleepwalk that never ends. A type of loan with no dividends. It’s a parlour game where you’re giving chase. Guess it could be called an acquired taste. I know, he knows. He calls, i go, i know. This could be an enchantment. Why don’t you tell me i’m forgiven? He calls, don’t know how i fell under his spell. I’m forgiven, lately i’ve been driven. He smiles and i give in – an enchantment. 

-Enchantment-Corinne Bailey Rae- 

It’s when i least expect anything…that You come and remind me that You’re full of surprises. Don’t tell me you can’t see what i’m thinking of. 

Then again, it’s times like these that i should be most guarded.

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It’s funny how we ask questions we don’t really want answers to. Wise is the woman who keeps her mouth shut. =.=”

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:: almost there ::

June 12, 2009 at 12:36 pm · Filed under On Dreams, On Wants

Had my first paper yesterday morning! Praise God that it went pretty well. Other than the lack of time, furiously and frantically writing my answers within 2 hours, i think, hope and pray that i did well enough :) One more to go. And that would be…the end of my Monash season. 

The thought seems scary, but i’m looking forward to it. I dunno where to go after that, YET, but i’m leaning not on my own understanding. There’s Someone that’s directing my paths. I’m just gonna follow. I haven’t even started looking around for jobs. Pffft. 

I can’t believe how bad the haze is. I miss my sunshiny mornings. Do you remember those mornings where there’s enough sun to make gold patches where the leaves part? The kind where i used to believe that if i were to stand in the gold patch and make a wish, all my dreams would come true. Where it’s bright…and yet, not too hot? The kind that could *almost* convince you to live outside forever? The kind that’ll make you throw your phone and laptop away and say, “I’m Yours for today”. 

No?

Well, i miss them. Very much. 

Note to self : Don’t fall into the ‘disney swirl’. It’s a lie.

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:: oh cyber ::

June 7, 2009 at 6:22 pm · Filed under On Fears, On Memories, On Personal Stuff

Cyberjaya needs revival. 

And better road signs. 

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I discovered one of my deepest fears from today’s ‘adventure’ though. 

I’m afraid of getting lost. Like, seriously. Physically lost…and perhaps, that can apply spiritually as well. I am AFRAID of getting lost and having no sense of direction. The feeling of not knowing where to go (in life), who to call upon (God) and the FACT that i had not enough petrol (strength/Holy Spirit) = that lousy feeling of helplessness. Plus, i lacked sleep and had a headache (distractions). All i wanted to do was go home (and be like Mary). 

Thank God i DID have people to call (leaders/friends). *Thank you, Jack & Kuan Cheen :) 

If it wasn’t because i had *someone in the car with me, i’d prolly had pulled over to the side of the road, cried and gave up. 

I’m so glad i’m home. 

*We really can’t do life alone.

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:: remembered ::

June 7, 2009 at 1:27 am · Filed under On Personal Stuff

REVO Conference was…mind-blowing. 

Never had i wanted answers so badly. Some sort of direction. A clue for the crossroads. A vision to the blurry. 

…He didn’t forget me. Though i have no answers yet, just taking that step of faith to the altar was perhaps more than enough, for NOW. Just knowing that He loves me as i knelt and cried and confessed and prayed…

…He did NOT forget me. I needed that.

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:: so nice ::

June 5, 2009 at 1:59 am · Filed under On Everything Else, On Food, On Music

I’m liking nights like these :) 

Awesome first night of REVO Conference. Delicious, piping, hot cheese naan from Silva’s with Milo ice. Lovely company. A wake-me-up shower at 1.15am. A little reading of the Word. A little bit of Corrine May. 

Ahhh….so nice ;) 

In the twinkling stars that dance like fireflies
In the blushing fruit that hangs upon the vine
In the face of a baby as he forms his first smile

I see you.

-Love Song for #1-Corrinne May-

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