Archive for On Fears

:: things i’ll never say ::

October 30, 2009 at 5:35 pm · Filed under On Fears, On Job-Hunts, On Personal Stuff

It’s raining really heavily. Homes outing is in less than 2 hours.

Was my last day at work. And i left early cause there was nothing much left for me to do.

Another door opened. I’m confused now. I *could* wish it was easier for me to choose, but that wouldn’t be exercising faith now would it? Another interview this coming Monday @ 2.30pm. We’ll see how it goes.

It don’t do me any good, it’s just a waste of time
What use is it to you, what’s on my mind?
If it ain’t comin’ out, we’re not going anywhere
So why can’t I just tell you that I care?

Because i can’t. It won’t do me any good.

I’m hanging on to Your Word. Better than any lyrics from a song.

*****

“Clear lots of ground for your tents!
Make your tents large. Spread out! Think big!
Use plenty of rope,
drive the tent pegs deep.
You’re going to need lots of elbow room
for your growing family.
You’re going to take over whole nations;
you’re going to resettle abandoned cities.
Don’t be afraid—you’re not going to be embarrassed.
Don’t hold back—you’re not going to come up short.”

-Isaiah 54 : 1-6-The Message-

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:: somebody ::

September 27, 2009 at 11:07 pm · Filed under On Fears, On Memories, On Personal Stuff

I’ve been roaming around, I was looking down at all i see…

You know that i can use somebody.

Someone like You? :)

I threw my trash in a bin at Peacehaven. It is gone.

***

Painted faces fill the places i can’t reach…

So many campus students are out there hurting. Genuine, eating-’em-up-inside hurt. What AM i doing with my life?

How do i make it better? What else can i do? Intention with focus.

***

Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat…

I hope it’s gonna make you notice…

…someone like me.

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:: on cockroach alert! ::

July 27, 2009 at 4:14 pm · Filed under On Fears, On Life

I strongly dislike cockroaches. Like, really. BIG ones. Small ones. I don’t care. They’re all despised.

They smell. They scurry. They…should be squashed on. Or whacked repeatedly with rolled-up newspaper. If there was a fryer for cockroaches like they do for flies, i’d buy ten to keep everywhere.

So, it was not very nice to find out that dear ol’ Bobby (my car) had a new inhabitant that only comes out once in a while to give the owner (me) a scare. If the cockroach didn’t have a purpose before, well, now it does, it seems. Because this new inhabitant has lived in my car since…Friday, it is now Monday…and i’m convinced its still lurking around somewhere, i think i shall give it a name. Cockroach shall now be called…Mr Roach. I’m so creative, kan?

Anyways.

First encounter : On the way to pick up one of my huddle girls for our one-on-one meet-up, Mr Roach decided to pop up on my dashboard. And naturally, a normal girl who wouldn’t expect a BIG cockroach in her car, would scream and swerve a little thus, almost hitting another car on the NPE…which, i BET, didn’t have a cockroach lurking around somewhere. *mutters to self*

Second encounter : Yesterday, on the way home from dinner after SES, a friend whom i was supposed to send home spotted it on the passenger seat. And quite naturally again, i refused to drive Bobby until Mr Roach was dead. Or…’freed’. However, despite 3 very nice guys turning Bobby inside-out to look for Mr Roach, the search was in vain. I had to drive my car WITH MR ROACH inside. If you don’t know what its like to drive in a paranoid manner, someone should’ve recorded me on video last night after i sent my friend back home. Sigh.

Today, i turned Bobby inside-out again…took out all his mats, poked in every obscure spot…and stuffed pandan leaves around. Old wives apparently told a tale that pandan leaves scares cockroaches away. And did i find Mr Roach? NO!!! As of now, Bobby is in my front porch…all 4 doors AND boot open for Mr Roach to run out. If that doesn’t work, well, i’m gonna be  Ms Terminator and bring out my trusty weapon, Mr Vacuum.

Now, i’m a very busy woman. And i can’t drive Bobby because not only is it dangerous for ME (might get a heart attack), it is also dangerous for OTHER innocent people (people with heart attack will lose control of car and thus, will surely cause an accident). So, the solution to NOT driving Bobby, thanks to selfish Mr Roach, was…naturally to drive my mom’s car (since she’s resting after her surgery). Oh, for those who knew, thanks for praying!

Anyway, if you see a cobalt blue Honda CRV apparently maneuvering itself around Subang, don’t fear.

It’s probably me.

Sigh. I miss Bobby :(

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:: on picking scabs ::

July 21, 2009 at 11:58 pm · Filed under On Fears, On Life

…i never noticed how…picking at scabs, would make you bleed.

Like ‘wounds’ that have ‘healed’, once you bring it up again…you’re only allowing yourself to be more vulnerable and..well, bleed.

Funny, isn’t it? How you ‘want’ to be healed. And yet, you pick at scabs anyway.

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:: play the limbo ::

June 30, 2009 at 10:54 pm · Filed under On Everything Else, On Fears, On Life, On Personal Stuff, On Work

…or do the conga. Hah. I find myself to be in QUITE of a limbo lately. 

The ‘anxious waiting for results’ and…’misguided truths of working’ has been haunting me. Still. I really am trying to ‘live’ as God has purposed me to, but…it’s hard to make decisions on what you’d like to do when there’s no…closure. 

Thus, the limbo. I’m moving forwards and yet…bending backwards. Sigh. With God’s grace, i’m praying i won’t be one of those who fall on the ground. And lose. 

BUT, on to happier things! I shall give minute updates on myself since….i’m rushing to sleep by 11pm. Just because i CAN! Whee. 

  1. I’ve started working part-time on Tuesdays and Thursdays in CKJ Logistics, my dad’s friends company in Kelana Jaya. I do…whatever i’m asked to do there. Lol. If you’re around SS6, gimme a call and we can do lunchies! 
  2. I just finished reading “The Last Lecture”. Ate some good nuggets in there. My favourite : Somehow, with the passage of time, and the deadlines that life imposes, surrendering becomes the right thing to do. – Randy Pausch 
  3. I’ve still got two more books to read and thoroughly enjoy, considering the ‘lack of internet’. 
  4. I’d be volunteering in AYA still. Doesn’t feel like i’ve stopped. But yeah, if you’re in SS15 too, gimme a call and we’ll do another round of lunches. Wednesdays and Fridays good? ;) 
  5. I’m learning to enjoy God and really just spend time with Him. It’s amazing how time flies when..you’re having fun :) Only You can make me whole, give me strength to make me grow…come, Holy Spirit, fall afresh on me. Nothing like mercies that are new every morning to get you started! 

On another note, i’m learning to ignore everything people say…and to only pay attention to what people do. Here’s to taking time off from people and…gathering my thoughts again. I’ll just wait it out. Maybe this ‘break from the internet’ has a different purpose from what i expected :)

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I’ve been on Lifehouse mode. Call me emo…but. 

And i will walk on water.And you will catch me when i fall. And i will get lost into your eyes. And know everything will be alright. - Storm, Lifehouse

It’s nice feeling safe. Would it matter if it was only evoked by a song? I wish. 

*throws clutter away from brain*

Everything will be alright.

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:: oh cyber ::

June 7, 2009 at 6:22 pm · Filed under On Fears, On Memories, On Personal Stuff

Cyberjaya needs revival. 

And better road signs. 

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I discovered one of my deepest fears from today’s ‘adventure’ though. 

I’m afraid of getting lost. Like, seriously. Physically lost…and perhaps, that can apply spiritually as well. I am AFRAID of getting lost and having no sense of direction. The feeling of not knowing where to go (in life), who to call upon (God) and the FACT that i had not enough petrol (strength/Holy Spirit) = that lousy feeling of helplessness. Plus, i lacked sleep and had a headache (distractions). All i wanted to do was go home (and be like Mary). 

Thank God i DID have people to call (leaders/friends). *Thank you, Jack & Kuan Cheen :) 

If it wasn’t because i had *someone in the car with me, i’d prolly had pulled over to the side of the road, cried and gave up. 

I’m so glad i’m home. 

*We really can’t do life alone.

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