…i never noticed how…picking at scabs, would make you bleed.
Like ‘wounds’ that have ‘healed’, once you bring it up again…you’re only allowing yourself to be more vulnerable and..well, bleed.
Funny, isn’t it? How you ‘want’ to be healed. And yet, you pick at scabs anyway.
It’s so funny…reading the ‘popular’ blog posts on my blog that WordPress keeps track off. Most of them had everything to do with me thanking God for my exam results.
What have you people been googling??? *laughs*
Anyways, in true Ellie-fashion, i suppose i MUST do another one. The final, final one. A Monash student i am, no longer. All by the grace and mercies of God. I passed my last finance paper which i thought was a sure-fail. I didn’t even finished the paper. But God gave me more than i asked for. Which was more than enough. And i got a Distinction for the other paper. God’s too good to me. On September 5th, i will take up my scroll with a testimony that God has given me. I honestly can’t wait! :)
‘Ancient Skies’ by Michael Gungor has been on loop since results were out. You have never changed, Your love is endless and Your mercy has remained through all the ages, You shine so bright. Nothing can compare, You made the heavens and Your glory fills the air through all the ages, You ride ancient skies. You’re amazing. Psalm 34 is so apt to describe how i feel right now.
To all of you who prayed and believed with me, thank you :) You guys have encouraged and inspired me.
Now, keep praying that i land myself a job that God wants me to be in. Heh. I’ve had my head in the clouds way too often for my own good. It’s time to come back to Earth.
On another note, Marley & Me (the book) made me cry. Darn it. When i grow up (hahaha), i want a family with a nice, big doggie. Let’s just say its an unfulfilled childhood dream, okay? ;)
I wish i could tell you how and why i make the decisions i make. Why i do the things i do. Why i’d prefer heading to a college for an evangelical concert instead of lounging in Starbucks, catching up with the friends i grew up with.
I wish i could tell you why i volunteer for church…instead of earning proper money doing other things that i know i’m perfectly capable of doing.
I wish i could tell you why i have no interest in what the world says is fun. There are just SOME things you really don’t have to try at least once.
I wish i could tell you how precious your life is. How there’s so much more you can do because God GAVE us life and life more abundantly. How He’s given you wonderful gifts that…you have yet to tap into.
I wish i could tell you how much God loves you…even when you screw up. Even when your heart breaks into pieces. Even when you feel like you’ve lost part of yourself in the rat race that people call ‘life’. Even when everyone is going against what you believe in. Even when you’re REALLY…on your own.
I wish i could tell you that i’m…just as human as you are. I may smile most of the time but I DO get disappointed and discouraged. I break and cry. I get angry and say or do things i regret. I feel numb sometimes too. But i know of a greater truth that says, my ways are not His ways. Neither are my thoughts His thoughts. I’m redeemed.
Could you see it like me? And believe what i see? Could you listen, and remember, that i love you? Only because, i told you, because i told you so. – Jonatha Brooke
I wish i could tell you that it’s okay to have standards. And hold on to them.
I guess this is my way of telling you so.
I don’t want just any job. Or any ‘work’. I don’t want just what’s good. I want what’s God. Won’t You enlighten me? It’s safe to say that i *am* in a muddle. To please God, or to please parents…and the thing is, i’m not sure how i can please BOTH. Or, if the decision that lies before me WOULD please both. Your peace, that’s all i ask. Hopefully, along the way…these dreams would live again.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. - Proverbs 3:5-6
Making decisions feel…so terribly grown up.
I sense another ’stepping into Jerusalem’ moment coming. Acts 20:22-24.
..it’s July.
Time moves too fast for my own good. I had a great time at Homes today. 40 people, 9 newcomers. That’s Your doing, God. Breaking out into song in the middle of teaching, it was..refreshing. Don’t know what the homies think, but OH WELL. *I* had fun. Felt like Pr Kenneth when he’s on a roll. Whee.
Ice Age 3 was hilarious. And Ellie says, “Talk to the trunk.”
Hanging with new people is refreshing too. As good as a McD’s vanilla milkshake. And talking about Disney with people ALWAYS makes me happy. I’m quite amused at how someone is a fan of Disney soundtracks ;) And is not ashamed. Am very impressed ;)
I’m engraving 2 Timothy 2:14-26 in my heart.
I’m loving Gravel by Orba Squara. Happy music. Mmmm.
I’m nuts about you. *laughs* Cute song. I want it. *hint*
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Oh, guess who has a new modem? Whee.
…or do the conga. Hah. I find myself to be in QUITE of a limbo lately.
The ‘anxious waiting for results’ and…’misguided truths of working’ has been haunting me. Still. I really am trying to ‘live’ as God has purposed me to, but…it’s hard to make decisions on what you’d like to do when there’s no…closure.
Thus, the limbo. I’m moving forwards and yet…bending backwards. Sigh. With God’s grace, i’m praying i won’t be one of those who fall on the ground. And lose.
BUT, on to happier things! I shall give minute updates on myself since….i’m rushing to sleep by 11pm. Just because i CAN! Whee.
On another note, i’m learning to ignore everything people say…and to only pay attention to what people do. Here’s to taking time off from people and…gathering my thoughts again. I’ll just wait it out. Maybe this ‘break from the internet’ has a different purpose from what i expected :)
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I’ve been on Lifehouse mode. Call me emo…but.
And i will walk on water.And you will catch me when i fall. And i will get lost into your eyes. And know everything will be alright. - Storm, Lifehouse
It’s nice feeling safe. Would it matter if it was only evoked by a song? I wish.
*throws clutter away from brain*
Everything will be alright.
I’d be the first to admit tonight that i felt…jealous. And out-casted. It was not ‘right’ for me to feel that way at all. And it’s such a waste of time. Really.
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly, broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable…The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell.
-The Four Loves-C.S.Lewis-
I’ve learnt that people will disappoint me. And i had and will most definitely disappoint others. Though i’d try not to. I’m learning every day how to be secured in the Lord. To know that my ultimate goal is to please God, and no one else. And when i can do that fully, willingly, selflessly…i am able to offer to others, be free to desire and be willing to be disappointed. These people who made me feel the way i felt…may never change. But Lord, my view and how i respond to them, can.
God, teach me…to be vulnerable enough to be used by You.
It’s been an interesting week. Supposedly celebrating my newfound freedom, i guess i’ve yet to do what i’d USUALLY do on a holiday. Have yet to go shopping, or watch movies, or hang out till late night (not that its necessary, but its more to the fact that i CAN), or…randomly making trips to far-off places just to find food. Maybe cause my kaki’s are either working…or…overseas. Lol. Oh well, at least Aileen’s back! And yay! You’re not quarantined. *laughs*
I’ve been feeling challenged this past week. And…all i can say is that..God had to deal with that. Sooner than later, i suppose :) And i’m..so thankful, that He did not forget me. As i worshipped after last Sunday Evening Service, on my knees…He did NOT forget me. And…once again, i needed that. He’s given me that confidence. He poured out His presence. Jesus didn’t die for me so that i can worry. I’ve repented. If any of you see me worry with regards to a particular matter, you have permission to thwap me with a bamboo shtick.
Anyways.
I read something which i wanted to share. Something which i was challenged to do in my quiet time. Something which…i’d love to work on.
The gift of presence is a rare and beautiful gift. To come – unguarded, undistracted – and be fully present, fully engaged with whoever we are with at the moment. Have you noticed in reading the gospels that people enjoyed being around Jesus? They wanted to be near Him – to share a meal, take a walk, have a lingering conversation. It was the gift of His presence. When you were with Him, you felt He was offering you His heart. When we offer our unguarded presence, we live like Jesus. And we invite others to do the same.
-an excerpt from Captivating-John & Stasi Eldredge-
I’d love to do that. I was challenged…to truly share myself and be totally at ease, NOT thinking about other things when i’m with people, especially with people who…need me to be ALL there. I guess i should be honest to say that i’m naturally a private person (yeah, for a person who BLOGS, i know). And i only share stuff with…a small group of people. However, i was made to realise that…i ain’t gonna glorify God when i don’t speak about what He’s doing in my life. My testimonies are not testimonies until i testify. And…relationships can’t be built…until there’s a foundation of…trust, a little bit of give and take. Thus, i solemnly promise that i will try to give my unguarded presence to whoever it is i am with at that moment. Be it my family, pastors, leaders, friends. There’s a need to focus on people. And God helping me, i’d like to share a meal, take a walk and have lingering conversations with you :)
God’s challenging me…to offer me.
I’d add a disclaimer…but…i’m gonna assume that this post will be interpreted wisely ;)
God’s been revealing some of the struggles in my heart.
Trying to balance school and ministry. Church and friends. It’s not easy merging them all together. As much as i want to. After getting over my brief moment of ‘resentfulness’ for not being able to go for a gig due to a last minute practice, i’m reminded how i should never put God second. Why start now kan? Utterly surrendered, i must be.
Another lesson i learnt as i got miffed/irritated by a person.
‘Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.’ - Ephesians 4:2
Bearing with one another in love = Making allowances for our faults with love.
That person prolly has his own stuff to deal with. Ah, i am humbled. Much to learn, indeed. And i pray i’ll never STOP learning. He honors those who honor Him. Hang in there, you :)
P/S : I totally enjoyed Monsters vs Aliens in 3D. Go watch! :)
This blew my mind away.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am i to be fabulous, brilliant, talented, gorgeous? Actually, who are you not to be. You are a child of God and your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine; like children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not in just some of us;it is in every one of us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give people permission to do the same. As we are liberated by our fears, our presence automatically liberates others.
-Nelson Mandela-extracted from “Screw It, Let’s Do It” by Richard Branson-
Sometimes God allows us to go through what we do, not JUST so that we can learn something from it and grow ourselves…but also that we may be a testimony to others. It becomes our own story that we may share to inspire and relate. I forget sometimes, that people ARE watching.
A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Even power cuts don’t last *that* long.
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News Flash #1 : I got a 8.67% out of 10% for my mid-sem test! Yay!
News Flash #2 : McFuji (my laptop) is sick and went to the Fujitsu Hospital. It is discovered that the backlight problem is due to a motherboard problem which…will cost RM3,500 to fix. *feigns a heart attack*
News Flash #3 : A girl named Ellie is accepting donations to buy a new laptop. There is a desperate need as monitoring databases, preparing a major presentation, job-hunting and obsessive email-checking needs to be done. *looks longingly at a pretty silver apple sitting at the Machines counter*
Mmmmm. The apple was NOT the cause of sin.
