I have much to say. And yet.

Guarding my heart. And actions. Sometimes, words.

Managing my expectations. On people. Tasks. Work.

I pray for rest in God. That in the little i sleep, i’d still be refreshed. Only in You, Lord. Only in  You…I lay down my hopes. My dreams. My days. Have Your way.

In being, the doing flows. How apt is that. I wanna be. Remind me again?

It’s been tiring weeks. But i’m hanging in there. I could rant. And whine. And make a face. But what good is there? It accomplishes nothing. Souls are not gonna be saved. Friends are not gonna be won. And love isn’t gonna spark.

Charting my growth for this year. I imagine more lows than the highs. The good thing? I don’t have to imagine God’s grace that has been sufficient for me. After all, it’s 12 more days till the year ends.

Surely i must’ve done something right?

And then i catch myself thinking once again…it’s not about me. Ouch.

Holy Spirit, have Your way. All of my dreams, my hopes, my days. I lay my life down again. Devoted to do Your will… – Have Your Way, Acts Church

God, i desire nothing else. Help me focus.

I’m back on track. No longer will i wish for something i never had.

It’s been tiring. Work. And all that. Really takes some getting used to, this new life. *laughs to self* I find myself having to be disciplined, more than before. Lead me where i’m not keen to go?

Paint me royal blue and hues of gold, pull me closer, no one will know. Play with my hair till my smile glows. Its the tender hour. Its moments like these when i’m amused. Its moments like these when i’m confused. Don’t know which emotion to explore, i just know i’m needing something more. – The Tender Hour, Mia Palencia

I can’t keep pretending that *maybe* one day, something will happen.

Look at the feelings i sweep under the rug.

And that moment of longing will pass. You’re a morsel. A pretty distraction. I wish for you to go away and i wished you stayed.

I’m not listening. Lalalalallalaa.

I will not be affected. I had FUN. And let’s just leave it at that, shall we?

*thinks of jellybean-powered cars*

C’mon, Ellie. It’s not worth it.

It’s raining really heavily. Homes outing is in less than 2 hours.

Was my last day at work. And i left early cause there was nothing much left for me to do.

Another door opened. I’m confused now. I *could* wish it was easier for me to choose, but that wouldn’t be exercising faith now would it? Another interview this coming Monday @ 2.30pm. We’ll see how it goes.

It don’t do me any good, it’s just a waste of time
What use is it to you, what’s on my mind?
If it ain’t comin’ out, we’re not going anywhere
So why can’t I just tell you that I care?

Because i can’t. It won’t do me any good.

I’m hanging on to Your Word. Better than any lyrics from a song.

*****

“Clear lots of ground for your tents!
Make your tents large. Spread out! Think big!
Use plenty of rope,
drive the tent pegs deep.
You’re going to need lots of elbow room
for your growing family.
You’re going to take over whole nations;
you’re going to resettle abandoned cities.
Don’t be afraid—you’re not going to be embarrassed.
Don’t hold back—you’re not going to come up short.”

-Isaiah 54 : 1-6-The Message-

That’s the word i keep hearing lately. God, You capture me with grace even as i am being led into this new phase of my life.

You are the source of life, I can’t be left behind. No one else will do, i will take hold of You… – Rescue by Desperation Band

I’m fearful and excited at the same time. Fearful, that i might not live up to my own expectations of how a young working adult should lead her life. Fearful that i might not be an influencer but instead, be influenced. Fearful that i’m just not…’good enough’.

But God, Your ways are higher than mine. Your thoughts are higher than mine. I shall not limit You by what *i* think. I will not limit your blessings over my life. I trust that You opened this door for a purpose that i do not know yet. I have no other options to compare this one to…and my dateline is Monday. And so, i’m gonna trust that this is what You have in mind for me at this point in time.

The Lord is my shepherd, i shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside still waters., he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil. For You are with me, Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me, in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and i will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. – Psalm 23

I can’t help but wonder though.

It may not be the way i would’ve chosen, when You lead me through a world that’s not my home. But You never said it would be easy…You only said i’d never go alone. – Ginny Owens ‘If You Want Me To’

Here i am, Lord :) I’m responding. Your kingdom come, Your will be done in my life.

6.30am mornings. *cheers* There but for the grace of God, go I.

There are just times where you observe what’s happening around you. And you just get so upset. Angry. Frustrated. God, You work in this situations of which i’ve no control over.

So hard to fathom the pain in Your eyes
As You’re watching Your children, doing what You despise
In pursuit of our own
We just go round and round
Another nail to our cause
We continue to pound
What are you, man, if you do not learn love
What are you, man, if you do not learn love
So hard to fathom, oh, the feelings inside
As You’re watching Your people choosing to die
You called out a warning
To all that would hear
Saying come to Me, come to Me
And I will draw near
Learn love
I must
Learn love
Learn love
Learn love
Learn love
Learn love.

-Simply Nothing-Shawn McDonald-

God, help me learn love. It seems i don’t have enough to give. And there’s, this whole thing about waiting.

I need to learn that too.

…and my heart burns…

…it burns for You.

On the rare moments such as these…i revel in being alive.

I close my eyes and this is what i feel : contented. happy. satisfied. And while it lasts, i revel in feeling this way. I wanna be obsessed with You. There’s a madness in my being.

Fill every thought, every dream. Fill me. Keep me burning with the fire of Your love. Surround me. Refine me. I burn.

It’s so frustrating, sometimes. And its not like i know better. I just know that there’s something better worth hoping in.

“Step out of the traffic! Take a long, loving look at me, your High God, above politics, above everything.” – Psalm 46:10

‘Be still, and know that I am God’. That’s what You say.

I can only say so much. I’m asking You to take over and make them see. I want them to see that love is beautiful. That its worth waiting for. It’s worth waiting for the right person. God-sent. Love shouldn’t be awaken before its time. I don’t need to be in a relationship to know that when a heart hurts, it HURTS.

“The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out.
But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind.
I get to the heart of the human.
I get to the root of things.
I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be.“

-Jeremiah 17:9-

You may think that i don’t know what you feel…or what you’re going through. But He does. I put my hope in Him who doesn’t change. People do that. You did.

I’ve been roaming around, I was looking down at all i see…

You know that i can use somebody.

Someone like You? :)

I threw my trash in a bin at Peacehaven. It is gone.

***

Painted faces fill the places i can’t reach…

So many campus students are out there hurting. Genuine, eating-’em-up-inside hurt. What AM i doing with my life?

How do i make it better? What else can i do? Intention with focus.

***

Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat…

I hope it’s gonna make you notice…

…someone like me.