…you cry for no reason.

…everything reminds you of something.

…you have so much to say and no one to say it to.

It feels…empty.

God, i surrender. I don’t want what i want anymore. It’s not worth the pain, the words and the energy.

So much to do, so little time. To be wasted on me.

“Love perseveres. It’s the people who change.”

I wonder how long it is before i feel nothing.

I need some distraction
oh a beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
oh and weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

This too, shall pass.

I need a new phone.

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone here in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

You make, all things, work together for my good.

I’m being still. Wash me over.

^7-8“But blessed is the man who trusts me, God,
the woman who sticks with God.
They’re like trees replanted in Eden,
putting down roots near the rivers—
Never a worry through the hottest of summers,
never dropping a leaf,
Serene and calm through droughts,
bearing fresh fruit every season.

^9-10“The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful,
a puzzle that no one can figure out.
But I, God, search the heart
and examine the mind.
I get to the heart of the human.
I get to the root of things.
I treat them as they really are,
not as they pretend to be.”

Here’s to building rip-roaring muscles. No skinny weakling for me.

Read this..and did a double-take. Guess it came at the right time.

It is good that we should have to submit to what we do not understand. It teaches us the law of faith and hope.

It is good that we should have to do what we should rather not, in circumstances not of our choice.

It it good that there should always be something to prick us on, something to remind us that we are in an enemy’s country, belonging to a marching column.

It is good that we should meet with checks and failures in what we undertake, to keep us humble and prayerful.

All these things belong to sowing in tears.

God seems to have laid out the order of things in His Church, not for a general and brilliant triumph but for the hidden sanctification of the individual souls which compose it.

- Jane Erskine Stuart-

It is good indeed that God causes us to learn the same things over and over again. Different verses bring about different meanings to different situations. In knowing that You provide the struggles, is when I cling on to Your promises tightly. These have been my source of staying calm.

I like this quote. “When we have committed a desire to Christ, the desire does not necessarily fade, but it no longer dominates.” How apt. I’ve given this up.

“The nature of faith, is not with the absence of doubt. Faith doesn’t remove the uncertainty, but calls us to live in it”. – Pr Sam Monk

So much of the future is unknown to me. But i trust You. Someone told me that sometimes, God doesn’t give a clear Yes or No, but you just know that He’s there. Holding your hand to lead you through things.

And i feel like that now :) I’m gonna walk with You.

I’m upset. At myself.

I’m a whirlwind of thoughts. Of things that could’ve been.

But i can’t take back what i said.

I hang on to Your promise.

^26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

I wish i could scream out loud.

*****

^1-3 I waited and waited and waited for God. At last he looked; finally he listened.
He lifted me out of the ditch,
pulled me from deep mud.
He stood me up on a solid rock
to make sure I wouldn’t slip.
He taught me how to sing the latest God-song,
a praise-song to our God.
More and more people are seeing this:
they enter the mystery,
abandoning themselves to God.

You’ve set my feet upon the rock. I cling on to Your promises. I say Yes, and Amen :) Blessed be Your Name.

You can’t answer my questions.

I’m looking at your ‘track record’ and comparing it with mine.

Not that i’m any better. But there are questions. Issues to deal with. Things to be worked out.

So many questions i’d like to ask. And EVERY time, i have to bite my tongue. Literally.

Where is this heading to?

*****

How do you say no?

‘You SAY no. Then you move away.’

Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain
Leave to thy God to order and provide
In every change He faithful will remain

Be still my soul, thy best, thy Heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end

Be still my soul, thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake
All now mysterious will be bright at last

-Fields of Plenty/Be Still My Soul-Amy Grant-

He always shows up when i most need Him. Sometimes, i make decisions that may not seem like the crowd favourite. It may even seem petty to you. But, little things do matter. It builds.

I could have fell.

^10-11This is God’s Word on the subject: “As soon as Babylon’s seventy years are up and not a day before, I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. ¹²“When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen. ^13-14“When you come looking for me, you’ll find me. “Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.”

I know i won’t be disappointed :)

An excerpt from Quest for Love, by Elisabeth Elliot:

The cross in Roman times was an instrument of torture. Jesus took it up gladly – in obedience to His Father and for the love of you and me. If He asks us to take up our cross daily, He is asking us to be willing to suffer. What else can the cross mean?

Except for those far ahead of most of us in sanctity, waiting is a form of suffering – the difficulty of self-restraint, the anguish of unfulfilled longing, the bewilderment of unanswered prayer, my flesh and my heart failing, my soul breaking. These are indeed tribulations, and tribulation is the curriculum if we are to learn patience. We want answers now, right now, but we are required at times to walk in darkness.

Nevertheless, God is in the darkness.

¹⁰ But He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold. – Job 23:10

I don’t need to know the why, the when, the hows. It’s a nice-to-know. But not a must. Guarding my heart, and keeping my silence.

I trust You. Let that be enough.

Slow down, you crazy child
you’re so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you’re so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Where’s the fire, what’s the hurry about?
You’d better cool it off before you burn it out
You’ve got so much to do and
Only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you get old
You’re gonna kick off before you even
Get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you’re doing fine
You can’t be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it’s so romantic on the borderline tonight
Tonight,…
Too bad but it’s the life you lead
you’re so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you’re wrong, you know
You can’t always see when you’re right. you’re right

You’ve got your passion, you’ve got your pride
but don’t you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don’t imagine they’ll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

I guess i’ll just have to get used to this eh?

Good things come to those who wait.