:: what i wanted to say ::

I spent this week trying to chart out my ‘up’ months and my ‘down’ months in 2009. For huddle purposes mostly. And while doing so, i realised how much i *have* grown. And also, how many times i’ve failed myself.

That kinda reminded me to not have such high standards on other people. I have this bad habit of being very self-righteous. I hope, not over-bearing, but i *can* be a bit hard on people. My retort : “If i can, so can they!” And i constantly have to remind myself that grace is a virtue. My response SHOULD be : “If Jesus did, so must i”.

Who am i imitating? I’ve received grace. Why can i not give it?

I’m learning. Not to judge. Not to be self-righteous. Not to be discriminatory when it comes to people who don’t believe in what i do. Not to hold a grudge when it comes to those whom i expect much from. To forgive and forget, when people disappoint. To know that other people are on THEIR journey of learning things also. I really am trying.

I went through my journal and some of the emails i sent to my mentor…(ranting ones) and i realised…i’m such a whiner. Lol. Really. I rant so much, i’m ashamed of myself. Perhaps i should just take ‘someone’s advice ‘to take a chill pill’. “Stop being OCD, Ellie. Live a little”.

Again i say, i’m trying.

We’re all on a journey. And i’m on mine now. Albeit challenging, but with God, all things are possible. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me? I try to live it as much as i can.

Just some updates on how work has been. It’s been tiring. Really. Sometimes, i feel like i’m working 2 jobs. 9-6pm at day job. After work hours is spent meeting people, or doing church work. I’m not complaining (at least, if i do, it’s cause i didn’t get much sleep the night before). My after hour ‘job’ keeps me sane. Gives me that sense of purpose i need to survive/overcome the 9-6pm job. Heh. Again i tell myself, God’s grace is sufficient for me. 4 hours of sleep a day is a norm now. I miss being a campus student.

I’ve got dreams. Plans. A place i’d like to be at. A hope i’d like to see come to pass. But, it’s not time yet. I know that.

My question is : what do i do in between?

14Do everything without complaining or arguing, 15so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe 16as you hold out[c] the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. 17But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. 18So you too should be glad and rejoice with me. – Philipians 2 : 14-18

*****

Sometimes the easiest things are the hardest to say. And it’s not that i don’t want to.

I won’t be a stranger if you won’t.

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