This is not originally mine. But oh, the connection. Its uncanny.
I don’t get it. We’re nothing to each other anymore. You’re barely in my life. I’m barely in yours. And yet for some reason, everything you do makes me upset.
It stems from disappointment. It’s like you’re a big poster for all my hopes and dreams and my vulnerability and the way I wanted us to be perfect. You’re a walking, talking sign that says, “Hey! Remember that time you were stupid?” Because I trusted you and I let you in and you didn’t live up to that. And now we’re apart and you’re just some stranger who knows all my secrets and all my family members and all my quirks and flaws and it doesn’t make sense.
You used to have no power over me. You were just a person I saw around. And then you changed, almost overnight. And I loved you. If someone had told me a year ago that you would occupy a heavy space in my chest (heart?) so deep and so painful that I’d feel like I swallowed an anvil, I would not have believed them. “Them?” I would have said. “I barely think about them. I don’t even know them.”
That’s what we should be now. What we are now. (Let’s be honest. We were strangers when we were together too.) And all those nights I comforted you and listened to you and begged you to let me in, thinking I could help you or I could change you, that I would be “the one,” well, they’ve left me upset. Trigger-happy upset. Like I have vertigo and I can’t get upright again.
I want to forget everything you told me. I want to wash away how uncertain you made me. How scared I was of losing you. How I lost you anyway. I don’t want to know how your hands feel or what makes you smile. I don’t want to see you in photos, familiar like a dream I had once or a book I never finished. I don’t want to speak about you in snippets or think about how I behaved. Or know that I still think about it. Or know that you’re not just a lamp or a blade of grass, indistinguishable from the rest.
“As long as I love you, I am not free.”
Onwards. Things definitely look brighter as 2012 ends :)