:: be all there ::

How foolish i was.

“Your ‘sense of loss’ at our not being able to share things these past few months is not new to me. I know it, and often tell Him about it.  And such thoughts as ‘If they dear home be fuller, Lord…’ are a consolation.  And then the realistic facing of non-accomplishment comes to me and crushes to silence all telling.  For if, really, we have denied ourselves to and from each other for His sake, then should we not expect to see about us the profit of such denial?  And this I look vainly for.  It comes to this: I am a single man for the kingdom’s sake, its more rapid advance, its more potent realization in my own life. But where is that advance and that realization? I am willing that ‘my house on earth be emptier,’ but not unless ‘His house be fuller.’  And I think it right that we hold God to his bargain.  I, of course, in making visible results of our separation the final test, and, in truth, rejoice in seeing beyond results which are obvious.  But I reason thus that I should be more importunate in prayer, more dogged in devotion, and should not get, as you say, to a ‘weary acceptance of things as they are.’

Besides this, there is the somewhat philosophical realization that actually I have lost nothing.  We may imagine what it would be like to share a given event and feel loss at having to experience it alone.  But let us not forget-that loss is imagined, not real. I imagine peaks of enjoyment when I think of doing things together, but let not the hoping for it dull the doing of it alone. What is, is actual-what might be simply is not, and I must not therefore query God as thought He robbed me-of things that are not. Further, the things that are, belong to us, and they are good, God given, and enriched.  Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living. It is true that our youth is fast fleeting, and I know the rush of wants, the perfect fury of desire which such a thought summons.  All that it involves-this getting on to thirty-brings a push of hurry and  a surge of “possible” regrets over the soul.  And, Betty, this is just exactly what we have bargained for.  Obedience involves for us, not physical suffering, perhaps, nor social ostracism as it has for some, but this warring with worries and regrets, this bringing into captivity our thoughts. We have planted (in our integrity) the banner of our trust in God. The consequences are His responsibility.

I shouldn’t be digging in doubt, what i have planted in faith. There’s this need to preach to myself day after day that it’s becoming a daily decision to CHOOSE You. God, help me believe. In Your sovereignty, that this IS Your plan. That all things work together for the good of those who love You and are called according to Your purpose.

Help me not lose focus. To keep the main thing, the main thing. Amen.

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