Perhaps I’ve been hanging around too many married couples these days. Or I’ve just witnessed a bit too many newborns and hearing about many moms who are expecting. Don’t get me wrong, I’m absolutely thrilled for my friends and family who are celebrating these joys. I look forward to their big days and their little bundle of joys whom I will call my buddies.
But oh, how sweet it would be. If I could have these joys for myself.
Waiting is hard. Asking the Lord to guard my heart is hard. Praying that He’ll lead me to His best. For me. Is hard.
I expect many experience this too and I’m definitely not alone in experiencing this season of wilderness and struggle. Maybe I’m just tired and feeling a bit ‘tawar hati’ or having ‘the future is bleak’ thoughts. Again, am learning to declare that despite these ‘feelings’, His way is perfect and good, and there is no shadow of changing with Him.
Still, it would be nice. If I could have you.
These are just non-exhaustive list of things i would like to do as part of my bucket list. One experience and adventure at a time.
- Visit every Disneyland in the world. (
Hong Kong, France, Tokyo, Shanghai, California, Florida, Hawaii)
- Travel Africa and do the safaris.
- Climb Mount Kinabalu and see the sunrise.
- Travel from the South to North of India.
Get a PADI diving license. (Pulau Redang-2013)
Get my advance water diving license. (Pulau Tioman-2014)
- Be a rescue diver!
- Learn how to ski.
- Learn how to roller-blade/ice-skate.
- Eat a sago worm.
Watch a musical in London. (Phantom Of The Opera, Her Majesty’s Theatre-2013)
- Watch a musical in Broadway.
Travel around Japan during sakura season. (Aomori, Japan – April 2019)
- Watch Dashboard Confessionals live in concert.
Watch Lea Salonga live in concert. (Kuala Lumpur, 2010)
Watch Jason Mraz live in concert. (Kuala Lumpur, 2012)
- Eat ice cream outdoors in snow.
- I would like to see snow. For real. And throw a snowball at someone or make snow angels.
Pet/sit on an elephant. (Pattaya, Thailand-2007)
- Island-hop in Greece. Santorini would be nice.
- Sit in a hot air balloon in Cappadocia, Turkey.
- Visit The Louvre in Paris.
Eat a real watermelon cake from Black Star Pastry, Sydney. (October 2017)
- Do a roadtrip on Route 101 from Los Angeles to San Francisco, USA.
- Stand on the top of the Empire State Building in New York.
- See the aurora borealis/ northern lights.
- Visit Israel.
- See the Burj Khalifa.
- Visit Auschwitz, Poland.
- Sail out to Milfort Sound, New Zealand.
- Stand on top of Sigiriya, Sri Lanka.
- Go on a ridiculously luxurious trip in Bora-Bora islands.
- Or a 60-day Eastern Europe cruise would be nice.
Sit on the Eurostar. (From London to Rotterdam, September 2016)
Walk across the Carrick-a-Rede Rope Bridge, Northern Ireland. (September 2016)
- Learn how to surf.
SEVEN (AND MORE) MUST-SEE WONDERS OF THE WORLD
- The Grand Canyon, USA
- Leaning Tower of Pisa, Italy
- Niagara Falls, Canada
- Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe
- Great Wall of China, China
- Taj Mahal, India
- Stonehenge, England
- The Twelve Apostles, Great Ocean Road, Australia
- Dive the Great Barrier Reef, Australia (before its completely destroyed)
- Machu Picchu, Peru
Giants Causeway, Northern Ireland (September 2016)
- The Roman Colosseum, Italy
Angkor Wat, Cambodia (June 2017)
- Great Pyramid of Giza, Egypt
Anywhere in Japan (Osaka, January 2018)
THE MERMAID’S DREAM
Dive in Sipadan. (Stayed on Seaventures Dive Rig in June 2017)
- Dive with manta rays.
- Dive with dolphins.
- Dive with seals.
- I really, really want to see whale sharks.
Dive with thresher sharks. (Malapascua, Philippines- Jan 2017)
Own my own gear. (June 2017)
- Get an underwater camera.
- Sing on a random, public open mic.
- Learn how to play the acoustic guitar.
Write a book. (A novella counts right? NaNoWriMo 2007)
Lead worship in church. (2014)
- Sing for a musical or advertisement.
There’s always a problem with staying put. Especially when everyone else is moving forward.
Whatever you decide, don’t stay because you are afraid of change, saying goodbye, or ending up alone. There is nothing more harmful to your heart and soul than sharing them with someone not meant for you. – Beau Taplin
I want to move forward. And i remind myself that in order to do that, i need to be OK with being alone. God, You know what’s best. I leave it to Your trustworthy hands.
Don’t push the panic button just yet, Ellie. You’re alright.
To be one with whom my heart resonates with.
People who don’t know me prolly won’t understand why i make the decisions that i do. My family, included.
What goes beyond the rational, seems to be ‘too much to ask for’. No, my standards are not too high. And no, i’m not being picky or fussy or hard to deal with. Yes, a person may have a stable job, a nice house, serves in the House of God and oh, he’s nice…and for most people, this is a rare find. But for some reason, it wasn’t enough for me. It just didn’t…resonate. There was no spark. I would be short-changing this person if i were to agree just because ‘everyone else’ thinks it’ll be a great match.
And i know me. I know that when i find that person, or if he were to find me, something would click. What happens then to the one that i had agreed with out of fear of being single for the rest of my life? I have faith that God has His best for me. It may be this person, it may not. Having faith, after all, is not in the absence of fear, rather, in spite of. I do not regret my decision. I quote my pastor for sharing, “I’d rather be single than to be married to the wrong person.”
I just want someone who resonates with me. Just one thing he says and does that will resonate my being with conviction and admiration. Someone i can look up to and have mutual respect for. Someone i can be the best of friends with.
I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.
I really believe in generosity.
Heck, i grew up in a Peranakan family which is more community-based Malay than it is being a calculative Chinese. (totally racist, yes, but you get my drift). So, i grew up always having more food than i needed on the table. AND learning that i should always prepare MORE than enough food for guests on the table. Why? Because ‘pantang’ to have less than more.
Getting saved and knowing that generosity is a kingdom value, wasn’t hard to accept at all. The struggle is more of teaching others to do the same. Truly, it is something to be caught, not taught. I thank God i caught this early…and having it instilled further as a believer of Christ, has proven to be more of a blessing to me even though i give to others.
Some things on generosity that i’ve learnt, practised and am still learning to practice:
- Paying for another person’s meal. Simple stuff, really. But you’d be surprised how hard it is sometimes. Especially when you think the person is less deserving of it. But man, the effect to fullness in your spirit, is far more than the food/drink you can consume.
- Never letting the offering bag pass me by without giving. Painful, really. Especially when you didn’t break down your money. And all that’s left is RM50. HAHA. But test Him in this, says Malachi 3, and we’ll see the windows of heaven open and we’ll receive blessing so much so that we can’t contain. I think our perception of the windows of heaven needs to change. Because while i have NEVER experienced cash pouring down from heaven like rain, i have NEVER (and i’m totally serious), NEVER experienced starvation/lack despite having my bank account registering only RM1 as balance. God blesses beyond our imagination and uses people we never thought He would use. I’m still learning to trust God that He doesn’t function the way *i* expect Him to.
- Paying for my leaders’ or peers’ meal. Now this is a tricky one. Because sometimes it ends up paying for an entire table. But i’ve been challenged to do this (so this is not a MUST), and i am learning to practice it whenever i can. And because *i’ve* been blessed with the same and am constantly surprised when it happens (still), i WANT to do more of it. Its a nice surprise for them and an irrrepressible joy for me because i generally feel happier when others are happy-lah. And it reminds us (people who can afford to pay our own meals), that there is some good in the world. It is also honoring :) I see my mentor rushing to get the bill to pay for our senior pastor (and fight it out), oh, so Asian. Surely i can (afford to) do the same?
Just a quick thought, if we could do it in our friends/families/business meetings, etc, WHY NOT in the church? My own reasoning is this: because there is an evident ‘blessing’ that we see > i gain friendship, favor and prolly a business deal in tow.
But please see God’s Word and meditate on this:
And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19)
My bank account is not limited because He says its not.
God, Your leading please. I will wait.
An excerpt from Why You Will Marry The Wrong Person:
The person who is best suited to us is not the person who shares our every taste (he or she doesn’t exist), but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently — the person who is good at disagreement. Rather than some notional idea of perfect complementarity, it is the capacity to tolerate differences with generosity that is the true marker of the “not overly wrong” person. Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition.
I suppose i’ve always erred on the idealistic side. I also want my first to be my last. And i also have imaginations aplenty on how my ‘ideal’ should look like. But it’s been awhile. I’ve grown to be comfortable, and contented, being on my own.
But to be generous, and kind. And patient. With someone else. I need to learn.
And the irony is that, these things are also what i’m looking for.
I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one that you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the very best. Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest thing, keep experiencing the satisfaction that I AM, keep listening and learning the things I tell you,
you just wait, that’s all.
Sebak hati aku.
Am so thrilled that my friends are rightfully appointed and being honored. But omg, they’re all leaving. I know we’re all still one church, one family and most definitely, still friends. But it still *feels* different. I’m gonna miss them so.
I didn’t feel it as much when they left the first time but boy, i sure feel it now :(
How is it possible to feel happy and sad at the same time?!
And to have no emoticon for this.
A friend sent me this emoticon after i ranted a little. Made sense.
Ok, Ellie. Stop being such a wimp.
I turn 29 this year.
Nothing i’m particularly worried about, really. But i am thinking about it. About how much closer i am to turning 30 and if i am HAPPY with that.
Have i done all the things i used to say i wanted to do before i turned 30 because it’s turning up a lot sooner than i expected/noticed it would be.
I write this post only so i can track back thoughts and remind myself this is where i was and compare myself in the future to it being where i’m at.
- I’m comfortable with my job now. After years of complaining and (still) fighting with my dad over different views of how to do things, we’re in this pace of pulling and pushing when it requires. I pick my wars wisely now.
- I’m happy being in Acts Church. I really am. This is the place i’ve been worshipping for the past 10 years of my life, and it’s a decision i’ve not regretted. My dad thought it was just a phase when i accepted Christ. 10 years on, I’ve grown so much, made so many memories, i intend to stay.
- I’ve kept my friends. Some albeit closer than others. A few of which i’ve kept since i was 7. That’s more than two decades of friendship. How could i not be thankful for that?? It’s a feat in itself, honestly. A feat i’m tremendously proud of. Here’s to decades ahead, #TheKawans.
- I’ve traveled more than i ever thought i could. The record is at 10 countries now and i’m thankful for the opportunity.
- I’ve never been in lack, financially. Thankful to God for always providing in the nick of time. I can FINALLY say i’m stable and i have INSURANCE. Ha! Now that’s a feat considering how i would rather spend the money on that beach holiday. I found applying for my own insurance was probably one of the most adult things i’ve ever done.
- I’ve conquered my fear of open waters by taking my open water diving license under PADI. And not long after, my advance diving license. Survived night dives that left me shivering (and it’s not because the waters were cold).
- I’ve seen someone i cared about move on to someone new. Sure, i can’t say we’re the same kind of friends we were then. But hey, i can look him in the eye and not cringe.
- I’ve seen close friends move away to different countries for different reasons, making me feel a bit lost for awhile. But i’ve learnt to get out of my comfort zone and make new friends.
- I’ve finally visited Semporna, Sabah. For some reason, this was a bucket list. And i’m so glad i went. So beautiful, a place. I would go back.
- I’ve bought my own bedsheets. And actually cared what threadcount it was. Ok, i just added this in because it didn’t feel good ending on a 9.
I’m sure there are more milestones that should be recorded but i guess those that came to mind are here. Considering how there’s still ONE more year to ‘rush’, i would like to:
- Go to Disneyland. In Japan or the US. Oh, Ringgit, can you please not fluctuate so much!
- Move out of the house. So i made a vow to myself that i would move out of my parents place before i turn 30. Honestly, that dream is nowhere close to materialising because i honestly can’t afford a (tiny) place of my own. But it’ll be nice to have my own little space. Perhaps renting a room of my own?
- Think a little bit more about setting up that paper shop. I always thought it’ll be nice to own a little paper /stationery store with the prettiest prints! Offline, online, doesn’t really matter i suppose.
- Sing in a little gig that is out of my comfort zone. I’m still shy with my voice, so preferably where no one knows who i am. Another fear to conquer?
I’m excited. For the more that’s yet to come. The many more people to meet, countries to visit and experiences to remember. And yes, there’s nothing remotely spiritual about that.
Turning 30 is really, just another day.
(i’ll update again when i actually turn 30 =.=’)