:: decisions ::

Decisions, decisions.

God, Your leading please. I will wait.

An excerpt from Why You Will Marry The Wrong Person:

The person who is best suited to us is not the person who shares our every taste (he or she doesn’t exist), but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently — the person who is good at disagreement. Rather than some notional idea of perfect complementarity, it is the capacity to tolerate differences with generosity that is the true marker of the “not overly wrong” person. Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition.

I suppose i’ve always erred on the idealistic side. I also want my first to be my last. And i also have imaginations aplenty on how my ‘ideal’ should look like. But it’s been awhile. I’ve grown to be comfortable, and contented, being on my own.

But to be generous, and kind. And patient. With someone else. I need to learn.

And the irony is that, these things are also what i’m looking for.

I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one that you cannot imagine.

I want you to have the very best. Please allow Me to bring it to you.

You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest thing, keep experiencing the satisfaction that I AM, keep listening and learning the things I tell you, 

you just wait, that’s all.

 

:: flick a switch ::

I found this so..appealing. 

Had a dream that I could teach you how to love
My machine
I learn to reach inside your rib cage
Flick a switch and you engage
See the life burst across your face

Excerpt from the bridge of Fool Of Me by Say Lou Lou.

If only it was that simple to flick a switch.

 

:: the not-so-sparkly parcel ::

I’ve been wanting to write something. It was supposed to have been written in time for Valentine’s Day but of course, life happens. And WordPress waited for no woman. Heh. Was inspired by this short excerpt i read from Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage by Elizabeth Gilbert. The same author of the Eat, Pray, Love fame. One of my BBW random buys. 

“People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of it.’? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you.”

I see different ones going in and out of relationships and i think to myself, “How do they do it? Is there something wrong with me that its so hard to find someone compatible enough? There really are not many choices around.”

Or worse, why is it that ‘finding someone’ no longer a primary goal? Honestly, it’s not even secondary. Being almost 27, that should..raise some eyebrows, yes? No. Not really. Not mine at least. The excerpt above was in reference to finding a ‘parcel’. A person as a whole. Not knowing what you’ll find in that parcel because you have hope and expectation that it’ll carry a few sparkly gems but mostly, not so sparkly ones. An old adage has been known to say, “Plant expectations, reap disappointments”. Depressing, indeed. But nevertheless, there is some truth to it.

And like Ms Gilbert wrote, sometimes its not just about the sparkly gems. But the not so sparkly ones and what can you do with them. I relate them to caring for my huddle. All of them to me, amazingly sparkly gems. But, like every other person, especially myself, we’ve got not so sparkly sides. And that’s the real part of being a parcel, isn’t it? You are not always going to get the things that you want. But TOGETHER, being in a bundle, a mixture of the good and not so good, you ARE that parcel. The way God has packaged you to be.

And how you as that parcel as a whole can be a gift to someone, now, that’s the miracle. That’s the truth of finding someone. That’s the truth of accepting someone. I admit i’m probably not the best person around that while i judge how someone is not compatible for me, different ones are probably deciding the very same thing with regards to me. And that’s the truth. I don’t blame them and neither do i chastise myself for having similar thoughts.

But, here’s the crutch to my thoughts: even if i CAN accept the flaws..the all in all…of someone, there’s this thought that he simply does not exist. The person i imagine being the absolutely perfect parcel, is a culmination of the few amazing men that i am proud to have known and given my heart to at one point for some duration of time.

It would be too much to hope for, wouldn’t it? Plant an expectation, you reap disappointment. 

So i trust You and hang on to the fact that You’ve never failed and You won’t start now. A short conversation with a dear friend sharing about how in moments of desperation, that’s where ‘it’ happens. ‘It’ being love. I content myself that i’m simply not there yet. I don’t need another heartbreak to fall.

I will not awaken love before its time.

:: the truth is ::

I deserve much better.

Oh bulan…enggan melayan diriku lagi
‘pabila~airmata membasahi pipi
Dah lagu lagu di radio seolah olah memerli aku
‘pabila kau bersama yang lain

Adakah perasaan benci ini sebenarnya cinta
yang masih bersemadi untukmu
Dan sebenarnya ku mengharapkan
sebalik senyumanmu itu
Kau juga…merindui aku.

-Yuna-Dan Sebenarnya-

But, i still dwell in this place of not knowing where i am with you.

:: i want a tuesday kind of love ::

A Tuesday kind of love, breathing relevance into otherwise monotonous moments. Something to believe God for again :)

A beautiful excerpt from here:

A Tuesday kind of love is this: commuting to work knowing that someone cares about what you’re going to have for lunch; understanding that you do not have to be your dynamic, charming, weekend self this time; this time you can butcher sentences and make bad jokes and trip over thin air and it won’t change anything. A Tuesday kind of love is when weekends and weekdays are one and the same, expanses of time where unpredictable, irreplaceable closeness exists, swells, bursts. Tuesday is directionless conversation about things that happened five hours or five years ago; it’s knowing where he keeps his receipts and when he has a doctor appointment; it’s ordering Chinese food or taking his parents out for dinner because they’re in town or forgetting to eat because you’re full of each other’s words and there’s just no room for anything else.

I don’t want to dream through our lives together, don’t want to sleep in, don’t want to put on my sunglasses and pretend that life’s a vacation. The fantasy is that I want to exist in reality; the fantasy is to be there for someone on a Sunday morning but also on a Tuesday night, when the haze and laze of the weekend has worn thin and seems far away as ever. I want a Tuesday kind of love.

Note to self: Here’s to letting go of my (Is)land, Ishmael & Isaac. I let go of where i am and its familiarity, that God, You may take me where You want me to be. I let go of my way of doing things, my plans, my ideals, my desires…so that God, You can give me something better. God, i let go of what i believed to be was from You, just because You require it of me. I break, again. You know where i am. And You’ll never give me more than what i can handle. So yes, God, if You brought me here, You’ll also help me overcome.

Again and again. Ellie, learn this well. Cause if you don’t, you’re just gonna be in the same rut. With a different person.

:: so i write ::

I’ve been writing. In my journal. In private spaces.

Ironically, i’ve been encouraged to write. And to take it seriously. To perhaps do something about the ‘long, long, thoughts’ in my head rather than just sit around and ‘wish for something to happen’. So i read this and was somehow encouraged to do my own version of it. And in a way, heal.

*****

Organising and being at a friend’s bridal shower reminded me so much of all the things i dreamt off. All the things i lost hope in. All the ‘oh-fuzzies’ that you caused and have now stripped away. Sometimes i forgive you and would imagine telling you that i’m OK. That what you did was right for the time. Sometimes i just want to slap you real hard in the face. Because that’s how i felt. Like i was slapped in the face. How words became so cheap. And actions meant nothing.

I think of things i could do to forget. I could fill my days with hobbies, i happen to know that unrequited love swallows free time like it’s air. I began running, learning how to get away, and fast. The only problem with that was we used to run together. I read a few good Christian books, one of which told me blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. I’m still learning that verse, probably because i’m still mourning.

I’ve been so involved administratively both at work and ministry just to keep my fingers busy and away from the phone; trying to keep my mind less idle because that’s when i start remembering. I finally went swimming again, because it’s not that time of the month and there’s nothing else to do. Besides, i’m so good at holding my breath, anyway.

I remind myself that i am other things, besides out of love and hopeless and sort of sad in the saddest way possible. Like, i am also a friend, a daughter, an employee and also a thinker, a doer, a person who’s living and has lived before this sad, sad mess came to pass.

I think about when i was a seven-year-old in the middle of a small garden at school, trying to catch pretty red and orange ladybugs; tearing off to play catch at every ‘masa rehat’ or when the teacher comes in late, just because we could. I remember when i was a 10-year-old who wanted to wear everything in pink; pink skirt, pink tee, pink shoes, pink bag, pink hairband and when i was a 13-year-old who was ashamed for having done so. That was so not cool when the fav color was blue.

I remember when i was 17 and began to break curfews, having an affinity to Bailey’s with the besties. I remember when i turned 21 and spent the night dinner-ing with the best friends i’ll ever have and you were there. I remember whatever age i was the first time i had my heart broken and how the pain felt endless until it ended and then it was like i’d imagined it all, a fever dream of a romance. Uncountable things to define who i am, and the only one i toil over is the one i’m not permitted to have~silly, silly…

I could, do whatever i want. Stop whatever i’m doing and just run away to wherever with a few girlfriends. Have no responsibility of the things that are placed under my care or let things run loose. Let the people do what THEY want and tell them that ‘yep, you hold no consequences to your actions’.Maybe i could pretend i like someone else, when i don’t..or just maybe, i could. Maybe i could find someone else who’d think i was funny, and amusing and easily delighted. Maybe that person could be just as funny, and smart and so good with words, he’ll give me butterflies in the tummy.

Maybe in a moment, that person could say something that would make me go wow, and feel so deliciously thrilled, making me smile in spite of me. Maybe i’m unsure and over-analyse things because i’ve already invested my thoughts and feelings elsewhere without yielding any profit or interest; maybe i feel safer holding on to what’s already failed because that failure is familiar and comfortable and i wear it so well. But maybe — just maybe i can try again, instead of caring about someone that doesn’t care about me.

:: your hand in mine ::

I really despise gloomy days. Like today. *looks at the sky and sulks*

Cause only days like these that i’ll remember.

Your hand it fits
Perfect in mine
The world has stopped
And so has time

Cause we’re so in love
We’re so in love
We’re so in love

Ooooh… 

City lights cloudy skies
Slow dance in the rain
Won’t forget how it sounds
When you say my name

So we save the best
For last tonight
A simple hug and kiss goodnight
As all of the angels sing our song
Heaven and earth join to sing along

And we’re so in love
And we’re so in love
And we’re so in love

I’m turning the tables
I’m changing the time
I’ll do anything just to keep you mine
You’re one of the angels yeah it’s true
I’m standing in heaven when I’m with you

I love the way that you say my name
I love the way that you hold my hand

– “So In Love” by The Icarus Account –

You haven’t said my name in awhile. 

I’ll forget. Eventually.

:: letting go ::

Song of the Day : Curious by Holly Brook

Thought of the Day : Out of sight, out of mind.

This isn’t an ideal situation. But for this season, i will do the necessary. Even if i occasionally relapse and let my mind wander…

I find myself having conversations with you. Asking questions you never could give me answers to.

I’ve put my theories to the test
You know i’ve tried to do my best
But maybe we weren’t meant to strike gold
Sometimes things that you ignore
Are all the things i’m looking for
Will i learn to let go
Give into love and listen to my soul

I’m so
Damn curious to know
And there are too
Many unanswered questions
That we hold on to

I’m not going to put my life on hold while you find out what you want. As much as it irks me to remind myself how 2 years is gonna be just a *blip* in my memory…one day, i will forget how much you meant. How central you were to those memories.

Here’s to God’s best. For you and me.

:: by your side ::

I wish i could say many things right now. But it feels strange to voice out when i’m at my lowest. “Bring it to God before you bring it to man”.

God, i think it’s amazing how You use the cracks in my life to shine Your love and light to those around me. And how immediate it is You put to work what You’re doing in me. I may be hurting, but there are others who are hurting more. How could i deny the works You’re doing in Your precious people all across Malaysia?

I am blessed.

*****

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face, just don’t turn away

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I’m not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run, to where will you run?

‘Cos I’ll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don’t fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world’s sin
So I could carry you in and give you life
I wanna give you life

‘Cause I, I love you, I want you to know
That I, yeah I love you, I’ll never let you go.

“By Your Side” by Tenth Avenue North.

Am staying put. Rebuking all thoughts that says i need to take a break. That a break or skipping stuff is OK, in the circumstance that i’m in. It’s not OK to compromise nor settle for second best. God, You mean so much more. You are enough. 

I’ve tried hard enough. Given all i had and could give. I deserved a better answer.