:: by your side ::

I wish i could say many things right now. But it feels strange to voice out when i’m at my lowest. “Bring it to God before you bring it to man”.

God, i think it’s amazing how You use the cracks in my life to shine Your love and light to those around me. And how immediate it is You put to work what You’re doing in me. I may be hurting, but there are others who are hurting more. How could i deny the works You’re doing in Your precious people all across Malaysia?

I am blessed.

*****

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face, just don’t turn away

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I’m not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run, to where will you run?

‘Cos I’ll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don’t fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world’s sin
So I could carry you in and give you life
I wanna give you life

‘Cause I, I love you, I want you to know
That I, yeah I love you, I’ll never let you go.

“By Your Side” by Tenth Avenue North.

Am staying put. Rebuking all thoughts that says i need to take a break. That a break or skipping stuff is OK, in the circumstance that i’m in. It’s not OK to compromise nor settle for second best. God, You mean so much more. You are enough. 

I’ve tried hard enough. Given all i had and could give. I deserved a better answer.

:: the discipline of waiting ::

I did a bit of reading today. And this is what i learnt :)

An excerpt from Quest for Love, by Elisabeth Elliot:

The cross in Roman times was an instrument of torture. Jesus took it up gladly – in obedience to His Father and for the love of you and me. If He asks us to take up our cross daily, He is asking us to be willing to suffer. What else can the cross mean?

Except for those far ahead of most of us in sanctity, waiting is a form of suffering – the difficulty of self-restraint, the anguish of unfulfilled longing, the bewilderment of unanswered prayer, my flesh and my heart failing, my soul breaking. These are indeed tribulations, and tribulation is the curriculum if we are to learn patience. We want answers now, right now, but we are required at times to walk in darkness.

Nevertheless, God is in the darkness.

10 But He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold. – Job 23:10

I don’t need to know the why, the when, the hows. It’s a nice-to-know. But not a must. Guarding my heart, and keeping my silence.

I trust You. Let that be enough.

:: on guard ::

There are some things that you just don’t think about. Until someone else mentions it to you. Drops a hint. Tells it to your face. Whatever. But the fact is, now you know. Oh, you know.

I’ve always been an advocate for…’if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it’.

Heck, ‘if you’re not sure if what you say is gonna be nice, don’t say it either’.

But, that doesn’t really happen in real life, does it? Freedom of speech is too…free. In this case, however, i’m glad this was brought up.

I really wouldn’t have thought about it otherwise. After all, if you’re friends with someone, you would kinda BE yourself with them. Correct? After all, that’s how they know who you are. What you like and dislike. Your characteristics. Your pet peeves. Your…thoughts about issues that matter…and issues that don’t. Friends allow you to speak your mind..and not be judged for it.

So what happens if…speaking your mind…or acting as if you have no ‘guard’, crosses an unseen boundary? An unknown one, even.

It’s a balance, isn’t it? One i can’t find right now cause i’m torn between…wanting to be familiar. And…not wanting to…make people misunderstand my actions or words. How cautious is too cautious? Sigh, it’s a hard-knock life. I’m always getting myself into these scrapes. And it seems that, i never learn.

How could you give your love to someone else…and share your dreams with me? – Save the Best for Last, Vanessa Williams

That finally makes sense.

Note to self : Boys and girls CAN’T be best friends. You can grow to be so. But you can’t stay that way, unless you’re ready to take it to the next level…when E takes M for better or worse.

:: feel like singing ::

Ah, spending a quiet CNY’s eve in my room after a good family dinner and lots of TV. Caught like, 2 episodes of Glee (i actually like it!) and a bit of 27 Dresses (again!)

AND, this has been ages too, but i caught American Idol! I don’t know what season we’re in now but WOW, some amazing talents we have there!

After watching that AND Glee, i’m totally inspired to wanna…sing. Haha. And oh, how i wish i could play the guitar. One of the items in my to-do lists for this year? Hrm.

*Love* this song! If i could perform this one day, i would.

Oooh. I hear fireworks!! Happy Chinese New Year, everyone! :)

*****

You set it again, my heart’s in motion…every word feels like a shooting star. I’m at the edge of my emotions, watching the shadows burning in the dark. And i’m in love. And i’m terrified. For the first time and the last time…in my only life. – Kara Dioguardi & Jason Reeves

:)

:: moments like these ::

It’s been tiring. Work. And all that. Really takes some getting used to, this new life. *laughs to self* I find myself having to be disciplined, more than before. Lead me where i’m not keen to go?

Paint me royal blue and hues of gold, pull me closer, no one will know. Play with my hair till my smile glows. Its the tender hour. Its moments like these when i’m amused. Its moments like these when i’m confused. Don’t know which emotion to explore, i just know i’m needing something more. – The Tender Hour, Mia Palencia

I can’t keep pretending that *maybe* one day, something will happen.

Look at the feelings i sweep under the rug.

And that moment of longing will pass. You’re a morsel. A pretty distraction. I wish for you to go away and i wished you stayed.

:: drawing near ::

There are just times where you observe what’s happening around you. And you just get so upset. Angry. Frustrated. God, You work in this situations of which i’ve no control over.

So hard to fathom the pain in Your eyes
As You’re watching Your children, doing what You despise
In pursuit of our own
We just go round and round
Another nail to our cause
We continue to pound
What are you, man, if you do not learn love
What are you, man, if you do not learn love
So hard to fathom, oh, the feelings inside
As You’re watching Your people choosing to die
You called out a warning
To all that would hear
Saying come to Me, come to Me
And I will draw near
Learn love
I must
Learn love
Learn love
Learn love
Learn love
Learn love.

-Simply Nothing-Shawn McDonald-

God, help me learn love. It seems i don’t have enough to give. And there’s, this whole thing about waiting.

I need to learn that too.

:: burning ::

…and my heart burns…

…it burns for You.

On the rare moments such as these…i revel in being alive.

I close my eyes and this is what i feel : contented. happy. satisfied. And while it lasts, i revel in feeling this way. I wanna be obsessed with You. There’s a madness in my being.

Fill every thought, every dream. Fill me. Keep me burning with the fire of Your love. Surround me. Refine me. I burn.

:: begin again ::

Watched ‘500 Days Of Summer’ after all the hype by BenJi.

I quite enjoyed the movie. I say quite…only because i didn’t quite like the girl. She can’t possibly be representing half of the world human species. I’d be greatly insulted. One does not seduce a man…do everything possible (before marriage), create beautiful memories with a man she KNOWS feels more for her than she does for him….and then says, “You’re still my best friend”.

Dudeeeee, that’s wrong. And terribly misleading. I feel for you guys, should you have…similar experiences. Encouragement : God is into second chances :) And, these sorta girls are…exceptions. Not the general rule, i hope.

But the movie was beautiful. I enjoyed how they shot it, moving backwards and forwards. Sorta reminds me of the way we think sometimes when it comes to relationships, doesn’t it? You think about the future when you’re with ’em. And then, you think about the past when it’s over. Non-linear thinking, indeed.

Despite it being that way, it was easy to understand. Loved the black and white bits. The ‘expectations’ and ‘reality’ bit. The random musical dance bit.

zooey1-200x300

And of course, Zooey Deschanel’s clothes are AWESOME. I’m totally into collared dresses with sash now. Oh, so vintage. I’m gonna go get one. Whee :D Oh, and the soundtrack’s pretty awesome too. The Smiths, Hall & Oates and Temper Trap? Yeah, baby. And the fact that they had ‘Please, please, let me get what i want’ playing (previously played in ‘Never Been Kissed’ prom king & queen dance moment)…that got me.

I love soundtracks. So sue me.

So yes, i *quite* liked the movie. It’s prolly up your street too :)

***********************************************************************

On a random note, I’m totally into Colbie Caillat’s “Begin Again”. Such a happy song. Okay, so the lyrics are not too happy. But, the happy tune! It sticks in your head. The contrast makes it interesting. Not so happy lyrics + happy tune = happy ME!

Oh this is not the way that it should end
It’s the way it should begin
It’s the way it should begin, again
No – I never wanna fall apart
Never wanna break your heart
Never wanna let you break my own
Yes – I now we said a lot of things
That we probably didn’t mean
But it’s not to late to take them back
So before you say you gonna go
I should probably let you know
I never knew what I had
I never knew what I had.

Yes, i’m kinda weird that way.

:: be still ::

It’s so frustrating, sometimes. And its not like i know better. I just know that there’s something better worth hoping in.

“Step out of the traffic! Take a long, loving look at me, your High God, above politics, above everything.” – Psalm 46:10

‘Be still, and know that I am God’. That’s what You say.

I can only say so much. I’m asking You to take over and make them see. I want them to see that love is beautiful. That its worth waiting for. It’s worth waiting for the right person. God-sent. Love shouldn’t be awaken before its time. I don’t need to be in a relationship to know that when a heart hurts, it HURTS.

“The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out.
But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind.
I get to the heart of the human.
I get to the root of things.
I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be.

-Jeremiah 17:9-

You may think that i don’t know what you feel…or what you’re going through. But He does. I put my hope in Him who doesn’t change. People do that. You did.