:: strange ::

“What irritated me most in that entire situation was the fact that I wasn’t feeling humiliated, or annoyed, or even fooled. Betrayal was what I felt, my heart broken not just by a person I was in love with, but also by, as I once believed, a true friend.”

― Danka V., The Unchosen Life

For some reason, i was reminded of you today. Strange.

:: you know me ::

Despite the ‘letting go’, i gotta admit its a conscious effort. The intentionally not wanting to know. The intentionally ‘moving away’. It helps, i suppose. To not see what you don’t need to see.

In this season of pruning, may the bad stuff be removed and the good stuff remain to flourish.

Got many things to be excited for! Revo PARTY, Campus Camp, Family Day, heading to India for sister’s graduation, East Malaysia’s RE:Union in Miri…and this is only till March. And this is only just the ‘events’. But the many more ‘doing life’ with different ones. To groom my huddle and let them be the best that they can be. To take up the challenge to groom ONE more. To being a better person myself and focusing on the things that do matter.

Oh, and to most definitely, not be distracted. To not be bitter or resentful, and to allow things to be status quo, gawsh, i guess that’s the hard bit.

God, i submit again.

“And nothing is hidden from Your sight,
Wherever i go, You find me…
You know every detail of my life,
Cause You are God and You don’t miss a thing.”

I believe you only have greater days ahead of me. And the very best one just waiting to find me.

:: say something ::

It may have been a small piece of news. Most people prolly think i shouldn’t even care. And it’s not like you told me personally. And i AM a little miffed by how i had to find out.

But, i am sorry for your loss anyhow. I share your loss because once upon a time, i cared. I care.

Do you hear me? I CARE.

It’s been one year, eight months and 17 days. I’m OK on most days…and like this, on others.

“Say something. I’m giving up on you.” Sigh.

 

 

:: just don’t ::

Sigh.

But I’d rather you be mean than love and lie

I’d rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye

I’d rather take a blow at least then I would know

But baby don’t you break my heart slow

U-Turn is digging up all kinds of things within me. Purge, Ellie, purge. It’s gonna be good for you.
Too many disappointments within a week. God, surely you have a rainbow at the end of the downpour for me?
*breathe*

:: be all there ::

How foolish i was.

“Your ‘sense of loss’ at our not being able to share things these past few months is not new to me. I know it, and often tell Him about it.  And such thoughts as ‘If they dear home be fuller, Lord…’ are a consolation.  And then the realistic facing of non-accomplishment comes to me and crushes to silence all telling.  For if, really, we have denied ourselves to and from each other for His sake, then should we not expect to see about us the profit of such denial?  And this I look vainly for.  It comes to this: I am a single man for the kingdom’s sake, its more rapid advance, its more potent realization in my own life. But where is that advance and that realization? I am willing that ‘my house on earth be emptier,’ but not unless ‘His house be fuller.’  And I think it right that we hold God to his bargain.  I, of course, in making visible results of our separation the final test, and, in truth, rejoice in seeing beyond results which are obvious.  But I reason thus that I should be more importunate in prayer, more dogged in devotion, and should not get, as you say, to a ‘weary acceptance of things as they are.’

Besides this, there is the somewhat philosophical realization that actually I have lost nothing.  We may imagine what it would be like to share a given event and feel loss at having to experience it alone.  But let us not forget-that loss is imagined, not real. I imagine peaks of enjoyment when I think of doing things together, but let not the hoping for it dull the doing of it alone. What is, is actual-what might be simply is not, and I must not therefore query God as thought He robbed me-of things that are not. Further, the things that are, belong to us, and they are good, God given, and enriched.  Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living. It is true that our youth is fast fleeting, and I know the rush of wants, the perfect fury of desire which such a thought summons.  All that it involves-this getting on to thirty-brings a push of hurry and  a surge of “possible” regrets over the soul.  And, Betty, this is just exactly what we have bargained for.  Obedience involves for us, not physical suffering, perhaps, nor social ostracism as it has for some, but this warring with worries and regrets, this bringing into captivity our thoughts. We have planted (in our integrity) the banner of our trust in God. The consequences are His responsibility.

I shouldn’t be digging in doubt, what i have planted in faith. There’s this need to preach to myself day after day that it’s becoming a daily decision to CHOOSE You. God, help me believe. In Your sovereignty, that this IS Your plan. That all things work together for the good of those who love You and are called according to Your purpose.

Help me not lose focus. To keep the main thing, the main thing. Amen.

:: no secrets ::

Lord, i’m tired of these secrets. Keeping me away from the promises You’ve made. 

Chin up, Ellie.

Holy Spirit, You will come and clear away these doubts. 

Note to self: Our testimony is not about the number of promises He has fulfilled, but our persevering faithfulness.

In Your presence, there is no secrets. I surrender. 

I just need time. One day, i will feel nothing. And i look forward to the day i don’t have to look at you in disappointment. A reminder of how i wasn’t good enough.

You are faithful till the end. My future’s in Your hands. I want to know Your plans. 

*deep breaths* You can do this. Ok, i can’t..but You can. Here we go.

*anchors in* Let’s walk.

:: just another story ::

This is not originally mine. But oh, the connection. Its uncanny.

I don’t get it. We’re nothing to each other anymore. You’re barely in my life. I’m barely in yours. And yet for some reason, everything you do makes me upset.

It stems from disappointment. It’s like you’re a big poster for all my hopes and dreams and my vulnerability and the way I wanted us to be perfect. You’re a walking, talking sign that says, “Hey! Remember that time you were stupid?” Because I trusted you and I let you in and you didn’t live up to that. And now we’re apart and you’re just some stranger who knows all my secrets and all my family members and all my quirks and flaws and it doesn’t make sense.

You used to have no power over me. You were just a person I saw around. And then you changed, almost overnight. And I loved you. If someone had told me a year ago that you would occupy a heavy space in my chest (heart?) so deep and so painful that I’d feel like I swallowed an anvil, I would not have believed them. “Them?” I would have said. “I barely think about them. I don’t even know them.”

Strangers.

That’s what we should be now. What we are now. (Let’s be honest. We were strangers when we were together too.) And all those nights I comforted you and listened to you and begged you to let me in, thinking I could help you or I could change you, that I would be “the one,” well, they’ve left me upset. Trigger-happy upset. Like I have vertigo and I can’t get upright again.

I want to forget everything you told me. I want to wash away how uncertain you made me. How scared I was of losing you. How I lost you anyway. I don’t want to know how your hands feel or what makes you smile. I don’t want to see you in photos, familiar like a dream I had once or a book I never finished. I don’t want to speak about you in snippets or think about how I behaved. Or know that I still think about it. Or know that you’re not just a lamp or a blade of grass, indistinguishable from the rest.

“As long as I love you, I am not free.”

Onwards. Things definitely look brighter as 2012 ends :)