:: this slow pace ::

I turn 29 this year.

Nothing i’m particularly worried about, really. But i am thinking about it.  About how much closer i am to turning 30 and if i am HAPPY with that.

Have i done all the things i used to say i wanted to do before i turned 30 because it’s turning up a lot sooner than i expected/noticed it would be.

I write this post only so i can track back thoughts and remind myself this is where i was and compare myself in the future to it being where i’m at.

  1. I’m comfortable with my job now. After years of complaining and (still) fighting with my dad over different views of how to do things, we’re in this pace of pulling and pushing when it requires. I pick my wars wisely now.
  2. I’m happy being in Acts Church. I really am. This is the place i’ve been worshipping for the past 10 years of my life, and it’s a decision i’ve not regretted. My dad thought it was just a phase when i accepted Christ. 10 years on, I’ve grown so much, made so many memories, i intend to stay.
  3. I’ve kept my friends. Some albeit closer than others. A few of which i’ve kept since i was 7. That’s more than two decades of friendship. How could i not be thankful for that?? It’s a feat in itself, honestly. A feat i’m tremendously proud of. Here’s to decades ahead, #TheKawans.
  4. I’ve traveled more than i ever thought i could. The record is at 10 countries now and i’m thankful for the opportunity.
  5. I’ve never been in lack, financially. Thankful to God for always providing in the nick of time. I can FINALLY say i’m stable and i have INSURANCE. Ha! Now that’s a feat considering how i would rather spend the money on that beach holiday. I found applying for my own insurance was probably one of the most adult things i’ve ever done.
  6. I’ve conquered my fear of open waters by taking my open water diving license under PADI. And not long after, my advance diving license. Survived night dives that left me shivering (and it’s not because the waters were cold).
  7. I’ve seen someone i cared about move on to someone new. Sure, i can’t say we’re the same kind of friends we were then. But hey, i can look him in the eye and not cringe.
  8. I’ve seen close friends move away to different countries for different reasons, making me feel a bit lost for awhile. But i’ve learnt to get out of my comfort zone and make new friends.
  9. I’ve finally visited Semporna, Sabah. For some reason, this was a bucket list. And i’m so glad i went. So beautiful, a place. I would go back.
  10. I’ve bought my own bedsheets. And actually cared what threadcount it was. Ok, i just added this in because it didn’t feel good ending on a 9.

I’m sure there are more milestones that should be recorded but i guess those that came to mind are here. Considering how there’s still ONE more year to ‘rush’, i would like to:

  1. Go to Disneyland. In Japan or the US. Oh, Ringgit, can you please not fluctuate so much!
  2. Move out of the house. So i made a vow to myself that i would move out of my parents place before i turn 30. Honestly, that dream is nowhere close to materialising because i honestly can’t afford a (tiny) place of my own. But it’ll be nice to have my own little space. Perhaps renting a room of my own?
  3. Think a little bit more about setting up that paper shop. I always thought it’ll be nice to own a little paper /stationery store with the prettiest prints! Offline, online, doesn’t really matter i suppose.
  4. Sing in a little gig that is out of my comfort zone. I’m still shy with my voice, so preferably where no one knows who i am. Another fear to conquer?

I’m excited. For the more that’s yet to come. The many more people to meet, countries to visit and experiences to remember. And yes, there’s nothing remotely spiritual about that.

Turning 30 is really, just another day.

(i’ll update again when i actually turn 30 =.=’)

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| letting go |

Ah, am totally refreshed by the new album by Steffany Gretzinger. So beautiful!

EXACTLY what i need right now. 

You’ve brought me to the end of myself

And this is has been the longest road

Just when my hallelujah was tired, 

You gave me a new song.

Now i’m letting go…

I’m letting go…

I’m letting go…

Falling into You.

– Letting Go-

:) To be able to write so, I’m wanting. 

God give me the words. 

And that’s how You won me. <3

:: bring on the lemon parade ::

I’ve been rather hooked on Tonic’s ‘Lemon Parade’ album. Just brings back so many memories of being young…and carefree. I loooooooove the nineties.

I wish I’d seen you as a little girl
Without your armor to fend off the world
I would have kept you underneath my wing
I would protect you from everything
Make way for the lemon parade
Make way for my girl
Make way for the lemon parade
Make way for my girl
Did the boys all tease you when they had the chance
Always left standing when it came time to dance
Did you hide behind your books girl
Did you find your secret friends
Always I’ll want you
Always ’till the end
Make way for the lemon parade
Make way for my girl
Make way for the lemon parade
Make way for my girl

It’s been awhile since i wrote something but life’s been moving along. A little too fast for my liking. But i thank God that this life is to be lived anyway. I’m thankful and glad.

Revelation of the day:
Been pondering about something Elder PH mentioned at service yesterday. Those stories where Jesus did miracles in the book of Mark for example? He always told the person he redeemed/ healed/ rescued…to not tell anyone about what He had done. It’s because Jesus wanted people to know Him. Not what He can do. Without prior knowledge to what we can receive from Him, He offers us the privilege to know who He IS, and who WE are in Him. We can only pray the will of God when we know who He is through His word. Totally. Blown. Away.

The revelation i caught? Jesus prolly didn’t want people to know what He had done for the others because then there’s this expectation of what He can do or has done before. Talk about managing expectations if Jesus decided to heal you differently. Or took His time about it. Or deciding not to at all. I’d like to believe Jesus liked giving surprises. Like turning water into wine. No one likes reading the ending of a story before going through the entire book. We humans constantly ruin it for ourselves. Our part is to pray. Our story is the journey through those praying times. Time and time again, Jesus just proves that it’ll be worth it. If only we would wait.

Definitely upping in prayer. Amazing how when we decide to do something, like praying more, encouragements come in oh, so many forms :) I’m waiting.

*****

Hello you. I’d like to get to know you. Would you spend some time to do the same? :)

Can’t wait to dive this weekend. I’m in need of some me-time. Maybe then this curiosity will loosen its hold. Distraction after all, is the best way to turn something off. I’m going to try distracting myself by praying :)

:: let it go ::

I shall neither seek nor avoid. Chin up, Ellie. You really had it coming.

Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord

Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed

You carried me, my God
You carried me

-Carried To The Table-Leeland-

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.
Well, now they know!
Let it go, let it go.
Can’t hold it back anymore.
Let it go, let it go.
Turn away and slam the door.
I don’t care what they’re going to say.
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway.

God, You are faithful. I’m just gonna let You carry me for now, ok. 2013 can end better than i expect it to be.

:: better ::

Been walking in a different kind of…step lately. Now that a major ‘project’ called TTMM is over, i have this strange feeling that it’s not all over yet. Heh.

Been thinking about life and all that. Dwelling on what might’ve been and what could’ve been. And i realised, i wouldn’t be this person that i am now.

Stronger. Bolder. Yet vulnerable.

Better. 

Yes. Be better, not bitter.

Funny how things i’m telling the girls i’m mentoring are EXACTLY the things that *i* needed to hear for myself :)

An excerpt:

I wondered, could i take it if i were to see you traipsing around with someone else. I wondered, where did all this insufferable people come from, having no business to tell me if i knew or asking if you were with so-and-so. And the cheek to ask me how i felt about it. Well, if you must know, it feels like crap. Duh. If i knew why we happened and we ended, perhaps i’d be a little more forgiving. But i don’t. I’ve just had to move on. Find my own way to this place that took more than a year to get to. And now that i’ve reached…occasionally, i toy with the idea of jumping all the way back down. It was never about who was right or wrong. It was a matter of whether you cared. Whether i mattered. More importantly, whether *we* mattered that you would want to take the next step. It didn’t matter that you were the way you were and i was willing to accept that. But it ended up being that i was the way i am, and you couldn’t. 

Love isn’t about ‘just feelings’. It’s the commitment of sticking through things. Because you had that feeling.

Thanking God that He is beautiful. And that He makes things beautiful in His perfect timing.

Yep. I’m ok being where i am.

:: oh july ::

Omg. It’s 1 July 2013. Already.

Half a year went past in just a blink of an eye! Haven’t had much to update about since the state of busyness has not changed. But meeting people. Definitely meeting and getting to know people.

Challenge for this season:

1. Build deep.

2. Build wide.

3. Mature.

4. Grow up. 

Looking to disciple more girls under my care. Who will have deep relationships with God and myself. And who in turn, will invest into the House by sowing into others. To do life with strangers until they become daughters! How timely for this season! And oh so short this season would be. 6 months to raise up a fresh new batch of leaders. By God’s strength, we can!

Am choosing to invest even though the ‘returns’ seem bleak. Am choosing to move forward even though others choose to remain stagnant. Last but not least, am choosing to learn in submission than just to prove that ‘i am right’. It’s sad to see those you’ve invested in thus far, grow and change into something you did not intend for them to be. And if that’s what happens, choose to invest in another and try again.

People change.

People disappoint.

Such is life.

But God has intended times and seasons for us. May the light of God and the power of the Holy Spirit shine through us all. Ah God, needing your wisdom. Season my words with salt please.

:: speak to the dry bones ::

I’m struggling. I really am. To hold everything together. And i’m not even being emo about it. It’s just a fact. Truth: I can do all things through Christ. 

I’m tired. There’s so many things to do that its hard NOT to compartmentalise. Fact: I’m usually thrilled ticking things off my checklist. These days, most boxes are left unchecked and i feel a sense of insane disgusting amusement with my own incompetence. Truth: His grace is sufficient for me. 

I’m lonely. I can’t even deny it. I’m with a crowd and there’s just this sense of emptiness. Fact: I can’t tell who’s really gonna be my side scraping knees when the rubber hits the road. Truth: He says He’ll never leave me nor forsake me. 

I feel discontented. Fact: Pressures of wanting my own place and being able to afford multiple dive trips is…embarassing. Truth: He promised to give me every desire of my heart. 

I miss you. Whether its the ‘idea’ of you or the fact that you’re just not there, you still linger in familiar places. Fact: I see things i don’t wanna see when you’re with other people. Truth: His ways are higher. His thoughts are higher. 

I’m tempted. To leave. Fact: You’re the reason i’m staying. 

Truth: He makes all things work together for my good.

:: i want a tuesday kind of love ::

A Tuesday kind of love, breathing relevance into otherwise monotonous moments. Something to believe God for again :)

A beautiful excerpt from here:

A Tuesday kind of love is this: commuting to work knowing that someone cares about what you’re going to have for lunch; understanding that you do not have to be your dynamic, charming, weekend self this time; this time you can butcher sentences and make bad jokes and trip over thin air and it won’t change anything. A Tuesday kind of love is when weekends and weekdays are one and the same, expanses of time where unpredictable, irreplaceable closeness exists, swells, bursts. Tuesday is directionless conversation about things that happened five hours or five years ago; it’s knowing where he keeps his receipts and when he has a doctor appointment; it’s ordering Chinese food or taking his parents out for dinner because they’re in town or forgetting to eat because you’re full of each other’s words and there’s just no room for anything else.

I don’t want to dream through our lives together, don’t want to sleep in, don’t want to put on my sunglasses and pretend that life’s a vacation. The fantasy is that I want to exist in reality; the fantasy is to be there for someone on a Sunday morning but also on a Tuesday night, when the haze and laze of the weekend has worn thin and seems far away as ever. I want a Tuesday kind of love.

Note to self: Here’s to letting go of my (Is)land, Ishmael & Isaac. I let go of where i am and its familiarity, that God, You may take me where You want me to be. I let go of my way of doing things, my plans, my ideals, my desires…so that God, You can give me something better. God, i let go of what i believed to be was from You, just because You require it of me. I break, again. You know where i am. And You’ll never give me more than what i can handle. So yes, God, if You brought me here, You’ll also help me overcome.

Again and again. Ellie, learn this well. Cause if you don’t, you’re just gonna be in the same rut. With a different person.

:: storm over me ::

This storm. I can’t shake off this feeling of uselessness. And failure. This…lack. It’s easier to roll myself into a cave and eat worms. Your soft still voice says, “There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus.” – Romans 8:1

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

My heart is torn. I’m letting go of all i’ve held, every motive, every burden. Everything that’s of myself. Holy Spirit, come take over. I need to learn to hear You, despite this silence.