:: holding on to control ::

Song of the Day: Fools Like Me by Lisa Loeb

Thought of the Day: Why?

Sometimes i feel like i’m losing it.

And God reminds me that He is in control. Who am i that You are mindful of me? 

*****

An excerpt from a book i’m reading, A Woman and Her God by Beth Moore:

“…I don’t depend on other people to keep my spirits up. During various stages of life, we will be faced with loneliness and heartache, and we have to learn to prepare ourselves beforehand. In this way, when difficulty arises, we are strong in the Lord, faithful to Him, and we don’t have to depend on others for encouragement. 

You must always focus on the responsibilities in your life at the present moment. Once those are realised and accepted, you will be able to avoid a lot of struggles and dissatisfaction, frustration and loneliness. Focusing on your current responsibilities also prevents you from neglecting the people and things that fall under your care. 

Your life is not on hold. God has a plan for you right now.”

*****

Trying to remain faithful to the Lord in spite of ‘these suddenlys’.

I want to be present.

:: empty ::

You know something’s wrong when…

…you cry for no reason.

…everything reminds you of something.

…you have so much to say and no one to say it to.

It feels…empty.

God, i surrender. I don’t want what i want anymore. It’s not worth the pain, the words and the energy.

So much to do, so little time. To be wasted on me.

:: speak to me gently ::

I asked for it. Me.

“Love perseveres. It’s the people who change.”

I wonder how long it is before i feel nothing.

I need some distraction
oh a beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
oh and weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

This too, shall pass.

I need a new phone.

:: its a billy joel night ::

It’s been awhile. I find myself thinking about things i shouldn’t be thinking about at times when i know what it is i SHOULD be thinking about. Does that make sense?

Slow down, you crazy child
you’re so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you’re so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Where’s the fire, what’s the hurry about?
You’d better cool it off before you burn it out
You’ve got so much to do and
Only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you get old
You’re gonna kick off before you even
Get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you’re doing fine
You can’t be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it’s so romantic on the borderline tonight
Tonight,…
Too bad but it’s the life you lead
you’re so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you’re wrong, you know
You can’t always see when you’re right. you’re right

You’ve got your passion, you’ve got your pride
but don’t you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don’t imagine they’ll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

I guess i’ll just have to get used to this eh?

Good things come to those who wait.

:: hold your breath ::

I’m not perfect. And i definitely am working on cultivating the fruit of the Spirit within me. Patience, self-control, kindness…longsuffering, haha. Gentleness? Mmhmm.

You’ve already won me over, in spite of me…

You were the last person i ever wanted to paint a bad impression on. I could give myself many excuses but…nah, i’ve done enough as it is.

You held your breath, and the door for me. Thanks for your patience…

I’ve given up on *trying* so hard to mend. To mend what i think is left. Given up inviting. Maybe if we could both stand still just once, one of these days, then just maybe, we could have a decent conversation. But i’ve given up on that too.

I’ve never wanted something rational. I’m aware now…

So here i am, surrendering. Letting fate take its course :)

I’m praying for change.

:: moments like these ::

It’s been tiring. Work. And all that. Really takes some getting used to, this new life. *laughs to self* I find myself having to be disciplined, more than before. Lead me where i’m not keen to go?

Paint me royal blue and hues of gold, pull me closer, no one will know. Play with my hair till my smile glows. Its the tender hour. Its moments like these when i’m amused. Its moments like these when i’m confused. Don’t know which emotion to explore, i just know i’m needing something more. – The Tender Hour, Mia Palencia

I can’t keep pretending that *maybe* one day, something will happen.

Look at the feelings i sweep under the rug.

And that moment of longing will pass. You’re a morsel. A pretty distraction. I wish for you to go away and i wished you stayed.

:: quiet Saturday nights ::

I love ’em. It’s been ages :)

Randoms :

  1. I’m loving my Colbie Caillat cd. Mmhmm. Perfect for quiet Monday and Saturday nights :)
  2. I love cooking for Homes. I wish i had more time.
  3. 67 people at Homes. 12 new. 1 salvation. Like wow. It’s all You :)
  4. I’m learning not to impose my ideals on other people. There’s only so much i can say. Easier said than done, i’m sure.
  5. I’ve got a thing for hands. I’ve been observing them lately.
  6. Movies i wanna watch : Time Traveler and 500 Days of Summer
  7. I wish there was Koko Black in Malaysia. Oh, iced chocolate. I miss you.
  8. Bobby the Car is in the workshop. I miss him too. Accidents are such mafan things. Especially those that involve more than 1 car. Especially when its a Homes week. Especially when…you least expect it. I quote, “There’s no right time for an accident”. How true.
  9. Friends over boyfriends? Always. What happened to that, i wonder.
  10. I want that testimony. Wait, i shall.

You got me :)

This was never meant to make sense.

:: it would’ve been OK ::

…in the eyes of the world. Such a ‘small’ thing…but i knew it’d make a difference in the long-run. Somewhere, sometime.

The same thing could happen to us. We must be on our guard so that we never get caught up in wanting our own way as they did… – 1 Corinthians 10:6

I never thought i’d have to think twice about something as simple. Heart-check. Why am i even still *thinking* about it? I have to admit, i’m still warring inside. The heart is deceitful, indeed. I suppose, ‘this too…shall pass’.

Looking at it one way, you could say, “Anything goes. Because of God’s immense generosity and grace, we don’t have to dissect and scrutinize every action to see if it will pass muster.” But the point is not to just get by. We want to live well, but our foremost efforts should be to help others live well. – 1 Corinthians 10:23-24

I knew i couldn’t tell my girls OK was enough. I had to be better. It wasn’t OK to practice double standards in this occasion. I couldn’t let it slide, just because…

*I* have to be better.

And maybe someday we’ll figure all this out, try to put an end to all our doubt, try to find a way to make things better now, and maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud, we’ll be better off somehow, someday. – Someday, Rob Thomas

It’s not the ‘ugly truth’. It’s truth, pure and simple :)

:: oh doof ::

Me and my big mouth. I should really watch what i say…and what i don’t.

Here’s to working on all that needs ‘working on’.

God, i don’t want to have lizards in my life. Get rid of them please? In Jesus’ name, amen.

On a random note, i want a Doof :) Hit me, babay. Someone’s birthday is coming soon. Tralalalalala.