:: what i wanted to say ::

I spent this week trying to chart out my ‘up’ months and my ‘down’ months in 2009. For huddle purposes mostly. And while doing so, i realised how much i *have* grown. And also, how many times i’ve failed myself.

That kinda reminded me to not have such high standards on other people. I have this bad habit of being very self-righteous. I hope, not over-bearing, but i *can* be a bit hard on people. My retort : “If i can, so can they!” And i constantly have to remind myself that grace is a virtue. My response SHOULD be : “If Jesus did, so must i”.

Who am i imitating? I’ve received grace. Why can i not give it?

I’m learning. Not to judge. Not to be self-righteous. Not to be discriminatory when it comes to people who don’t believe in what i do. Not to hold a grudge when it comes to those whom i expect much from. To forgive and forget, when people disappoint. To know that other people are on THEIR journey of learning things also. I really am trying.

I went through my journal and some of the emails i sent to my mentor…(ranting ones) and i realised…i’m such a whiner. Lol. Really. I rant so much, i’m ashamed of myself. Perhaps i should just take ‘someone’s advice ‘to take a chill pill’. “Stop being OCD, Ellie. Live a little”.

Again i say, i’m trying.

We’re all on a journey. And i’m on mine now. Albeit challenging, but with God, all things are possible. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me? I try to live it as much as i can.

Just some updates on how work has been. It’s been tiring. Really. Sometimes, i feel like i’m working 2 jobs. 9-6pm at day job. After work hours is spent meeting people, or doing church work. I’m not complaining (at least, if i do, it’s cause i didn’t get much sleep the night before). My after hour ‘job’ keeps me sane. Gives me that sense of purpose i need to survive/overcome the 9-6pm job. Heh. Again i tell myself, God’s grace is sufficient for me. 4 hours of sleep a day is a norm now. I miss being a campus student.

I’ve got dreams. Plans. A place i’d like to be at. A hope i’d like to see come to pass. But, it’s not time yet. I know that.

My question is : what do i do in between?

14Do everything without complaining or arguing, 15so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe 16as you hold out[c] the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. 17But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. 18So you too should be glad and rejoice with me. – Philipians 2 : 14-18

*****

Sometimes the easiest things are the hardest to say. And it’s not that i don’t want to.

I won’t be a stranger if you won’t.

:: on making decisions ::

I don’t want just any job. Or any ‘work’. I don’t want just what’s good. I want what’s God. Won’t You enlighten me? It’s safe to say that i *am* in a muddle. To please God, or to please parents…and the thing is, i’m not sure how i can please BOTH. Or, if the decision that lies before me WOULD please both. Your peace, that’s all i ask. Hopefully, along the way…these dreams would live again. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. – Proverbs 3:5-6

Making decisions feel…so terribly grown up.

I sense another ‘stepping into Jerusalem’ moment coming. Acts 20:22-24.

:: play the limbo ::

…or do the conga. Hah. I find myself to be in QUITE of a limbo lately. 

The ‘anxious waiting for results’ and…’misguided truths of working’ has been haunting me. Still. I really am trying to ‘live’ as God has purposed me to, but…it’s hard to make decisions on what you’d like to do when there’s no…closure. 

Thus, the limbo. I’m moving forwards and yet…bending backwards. Sigh. With God’s grace, i’m praying i won’t be one of those who fall on the ground. And lose

BUT, on to happier things! I shall give minute updates on myself since….i’m rushing to sleep by 11pm. Just because i CAN! Whee. 

  1. I’ve started working part-time on Tuesdays and Thursdays in CKJ Logistics, my dad’s friends company in Kelana Jaya. I do…whatever i’m asked to do there. Lol. If you’re around SS6, gimme a call and we can do lunchies! 
  2. I just finished reading “The Last Lecture”. Ate some good nuggets in there. My favourite : Somehow, with the passage of time, and the deadlines that life imposes, surrendering becomes the right thing to do. – Randy Pausch 
  3. I’ve still got two more books to read and thoroughly enjoy, considering the ‘lack of internet’. 
  4. I’d be volunteering in AYA still. Doesn’t feel like i’ve stopped. But yeah, if you’re in SS15 too, gimme a call and we’ll do another round of lunches. Wednesdays and Fridays good? ;) 
  5. I’m learning to enjoy God and really just spend time with Him. It’s amazing how time flies when..you’re having fun :) Only You can make me whole, give me strength to make me grow…come, Holy Spirit, fall afresh on me. Nothing like mercies that are new every morning to get you started! 

On another note, i’m learning to ignore everything people say…and to only pay attention to what people do. Here’s to taking time off from people and…gathering my thoughts again. I’ll just wait it out. Maybe this ‘break from the internet’ has a different purpose from what i expected :)

**************************************************************************************************

I’ve been on Lifehouse mode. Call me emo…but. 

And i will walk on water.And you will catch me when i fall. And i will get lost into your eyes. And know everything will be alright. – Storm, Lifehouse

It’s nice feeling safe. Would it matter if it was only evoked by a song? I wish. 

*throws clutter away from brain*

Everything will be alright.

:: freedom ::

Yeah yeah! Sing with me, peoples!!

I can finally call my life my own again :D
Just joking. It’s never been mine. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, yes yes? :D

Anyways! I’ve FINALLY graduated from GE’s Graduate Leadership Program (GLP)! Yay yay! So HAPPY.

I think people can really tell the difference between me as a YWA and me as a campus student. I think i prefer the campus-student me :D Feel younger. And i’m turning into a hyperactive bunny again! Woohoo!

I.Love.School.

Not that GE was such a bad place to work in, it was actually really cool. In fact, i couldn’t have asked for more in terms of the experience and the exposure that i received. I’m just glad i was only there as an intern for now and not as a permanent worker. I can tell you that i’m SO not prepared for working life yet. Oh wells :) Everything in it’s time yes?

Had a LOT of fun at LUCT’s CF launch, meeting with Leen and CY, taking my huddle girls out for dinner and movie. Yeah, life’s definitely back on track now :) Praise the Lord!

Random note : Step Up 2 is SO COOL. Like, i really wish i can dance now :S *jiggles for abit and plops down with a sigh* BUT IT’S STILL SO COOL. Go watch.

:: overwhelmed still ::

I’m trying so hard not to just give up and quit.

I’ve worked 3 months plus, i’ve given all i can, been late to huddles, been exhausted physically and mentally, had to endure horrendous KTM rides, forgo-ed lunch AND dinner countless of times. And. I feel like crying wayyyyy too often.

My last day in GE has been postponed.

God, i need You. In this, and that other matter of wanting to be dumped into a pool. Gently, of course.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

*breathes*

Drat economic regions. I want to stay in a cave. Bah.

:: overwhelmed ::

I.am.so.tired.

Just got a silly phone reminder saying i have an assignment due tmr which just btw, i’m only a quarter way through. *cries*

Too much work, too little time.

It’s not that i don’t enjoy it, it’s just that there’s not enough of me to go around. In work, in family, in church, in friends…even 5 Ellie’s wouldn’t be sufficient, me thinks.

Guess this is what it feels like to be a young working adult eh?

Guess this is what it feels like to be alone on Valentine’s too. *laughs* The first year in 4 years that i’m not sending someone off in the airport.

I *almost* feel sorry for myself but i’m pretty sure God’s got THE one for me somewhere out there. I thank Him at the very least for making me idealistic. Since i’ve never had a boyfriend before, i’m glad i can do things RIGHT (should i plan to). I’m glad i can do it the Acts-way (should i want to). I’m glad that when the time comes, my future boyfriend will be my future husband. It’ll be so cool to hit the jackpot right away, yes yes? :D

One day soon :)

Lord, Your strength for the next 6 days in GE. May i leave with a job offer that i can glorify Your name with. (and THEN, gloat about) Amen.