Sebak hati aku.
Am so thrilled that my friends are rightfully appointed and being honored. But omg, they’re all leaving. I know we’re all still one church, one family and most definitely, still friends. But it still *feels* different. I’m gonna miss them so.
I didn’t feel it as much when they left the first time but boy, i sure feel it now :(
How is it possible to feel happy and sad at the same time?!
And to have no emoticon for this.
A friend sent me this emoticon after i ranted a little. Made sense.
Ok, Ellie. Stop being such a wimp.
Am certainly wondering why the struggle so. And why now. It’s supposed to be ‘break time’.
15 Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16 For all that is in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—is not of the Father but is of the world.17 And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever. – 1 John 2:15-17
So there are some things that i’m asking for. And i feel almost guilty for even asking. I never did do everything just to earn brownie points. The ultimate goal is still to please You. It’ll help though, to not worry about little things. And have different things blow up in your face.
Just needing some encouragement. I know in my heart of hearts, You are still faithful.
The thing about wrapping papers. They’re beautiful. Pretty prints in all kinds of texture. Wrapping pretty things. Different people use different wrapping paper. Different people have different styles of WRAPPING paper. Some fold, some use cellophane tape, some use double-sided tape. Some add ribbons. All to make that one thing being wrapped, a surprise. And most definitely, pretty.
But the thing about wrapping papers is…
…they still tear when you attempt to get to whats inside.
No matter how neatly you folded. How carefully you’ve taped it up.
You tear it anyway.
Cause the pretty thing inside the wrapping is supposed to be worth it.
But I’d rather you be mean than love and lie
I’d rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I’d rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don’t you break my heart slow
U-Turn is digging up all kinds of things within me. Purge, Ellie, purge. It’s gonna be good for you.
Too many disappointments within a week. God, surely you have a rainbow at the end of the downpour for me?
How foolish i was.
“Your ‘sense of loss’ at our not being able to share things these past few months is not new to me. I know it, and often tell Him about it. And such thoughts as ‘If they dear home be fuller, Lord…’ are a consolation. And then the realistic facing of non-accomplishment comes to me and crushes to silence all telling. For if, really, we have denied ourselves to and from each other for His sake, then should we not expect to see about us the profit of such denial? And this I look vainly for. It comes to this: I am a single man for the kingdom’s sake, its more rapid advance, its more potent realization in my own life. But where is that advance and that realization? I am willing that ‘my house on earth be emptier,’ but not unless ‘His house be fuller.’ And I think it right that we hold God to his bargain. I, of course, in making visible results of our separation the final test, and, in truth, rejoice in seeing beyond results which are obvious. But I reason thus that I should be more importunate in prayer, more dogged in devotion, and should not get, as you say, to a ‘weary acceptance of things as they are.’
Besides this, there is the somewhat philosophical realization that actually I have lost nothing. We may imagine what it would be like to share a given event and feel loss at having to experience it alone. But let us not forget-that loss is imagined, not real. I imagine peaks of enjoyment when I think of doing things together, but let not the hoping for it dull the doing of it alone. What is, is actual-what might be simply is not, and I must not therefore query God as thought He robbed me-of things that are not. Further, the things that are, belong to us, and they are good, God given, and enriched. Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living. It is true that our youth is fast fleeting, and I know the rush of wants, the perfect fury of desire which such a thought summons. All that it involves-this getting on to thirty-brings a push of hurry and a surge of “possible” regrets over the soul. And, Betty, this is just exactly what we have bargained for. Obedience involves for us, not physical suffering, perhaps, nor social ostracism as it has for some, but this warring with worries and regrets, this bringing into captivity our thoughts. We have planted (in our integrity) the banner of our trust in God. The consequences are His responsibility.“
I shouldn’t be digging in doubt, what i have planted in faith. There’s this need to preach to myself day after day that it’s becoming a daily decision to CHOOSE You. God, help me believe. In Your sovereignty, that this IS Your plan. That all things work together for the good of those who love You and are called according to Your purpose.
Help me not lose focus. To keep the main thing, the main thing. Amen.
Sometimes, we lose things.
Sometimes, people go away.
Most times, both don’t come back.
I should keep telling myself that.
Everything i see and hear these few days is telling me i should just give it up. Let it go. There’s only so much to hang on to.
Delay is not denial.
I’m trusting that His promises are Yes and Amen.
I’m waiting. Can’t you see?
Meek. I submit to the things i can change, and accept that which i can’t. Trials. God, teach me to understand even when i don’t. Confused. His ways are higher, His thoughts are higher. Sad. The joy of the Lord is my strength. Focus. I look not behind, but forward towards the prize He has set aside for me. Comparisons. Don’t be bitter. God always has something better than you can imagine.
Even if you think your imagination is pretty wonderful.
Psalm 103 (NKJV):
1 Bless a the LORD, O my soul;
And all that is within me, bless His holy name! 2 Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And forget not all His benefits: 3 b Who forgives all your iniquities,
Who c heals all your diseases, 4 Who redeems your life from destruction,
d Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies, 5 Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that e your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
6 The LORD executes righteousness
And justice for all who are oppressed. 7 f He made known His ways to Moses,
His acts to the children of Israel. 8 g The LORD is merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy. 9 h He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever. 10 i He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor punished us according to our iniquities. 11 For as the heavens are high above the earth,
So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him; 12 As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He j removed our transgressions from us. 13 k As a father pities his children,
So the LORD pities those who fear Him. 14 For He 1 knows our frame;
He remembers that we are dust.
15 As for man, l his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes. 16 m For the wind passes over it, and it is 2 gone,
And n its place remembers it no more. 3 17 But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting
On those who fear Him,
And His righteousness to children’s children, 18 o To such as keep His covenant,
And to those who remember His commandments to do them. 19 The LORD has established His throne in heaven,
And p His kingdom rules over all.
20 q Bless the LORD, you His angels,
Who excel in strength, who r do His word,
Heeding the voice of His word. 21 Bless the LORD, all you His hosts,
s You 4 ministers of His, who do His pleasure. 22 Bless the LORD, all His works,
In all places of His dominion.
Bless the LORD, O my soul!
There is hope. Ok, God. I run.
Song of the Day: Deeper Conversation by Yuna
Thought of the Day: Heard many ‘sad’ news today. ‘But the Lord is faithful, who will establish you and guard you from the evil one.’ – 2 Thessalonians 3:3
Trying not to be discouraged, nor fear. Everything will work out for the good :)
2nd assessment tomorrow. Praise God it got shifted to the morning instead of the afternoon so that i can make it for Re:Union on time! Still praying if this is where God wants me to be.
Otherwise, i’m super duper psyched for Re:Union! Believing for an amazing Spirit-filled time with friends and family :) It’s gonna be an amazing conference. Believing for so many, many things for so many, many people :) Just that one Word from You, Lord. And that will be enough for me.
And if you don’t mind, can you tell me all your hopes and fears and everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world?
I’d love for you to take me to a deeper conversation,
Only you can make me.
I’ve let my guard down…for you. And in time, you will too.
Edited: OMG!!! Just heard awesome news!! CONGRATULATIONS, DORIN LUNCHING & JO KIEN on your engagement!!! Am so, so thrilled!! *beams*
So, i’ve given up on this. No point struggling. Especially if i’m the only one that wanted it to work. Yes, I’m angry at you. But, no. It wasn’t fair to ME. Not us.
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
Part of me believing it was always something that I’d done
But I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know
Now you’re just somebody that i used to know. Circa 2007. Funny how history repeats itself. Funnier still if you never learnt your lesson.
Ellie, stop being a doormat.