I spent some time thinking about certain things today. And though i miss the old times, i can’t say that i want to GO BACK to them.
Us. High school seems so long ago.
It makes me laugh, looking at all the old pictures.
How young we all looked.
And then, there were 3. And two plus-one’s. So happy for you, Shi Wei and Adeline <3
Difficult, but not impossible.
I know that in my head, but have yet to come to terms with it in my heart.
Call me disillusioned, but my rose-colored glasses have been well and truly shattered. And I’m left, feeling not just bitter, but it is rather difficult to be better.
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him. – Lamentations 3:25
Declaring till I believe it. You are MORE than enough for me. Enough beyond my comprehension. Enough beyond my desires and what I see. Learning to trust again and again despite disappointments. And trying NOT to say “but”.
:(
I still feel inexplicably sad though. It is difficult.
I cry for no reason. Almost every day is an emotional trial. And the worst part, I truly don’t have a good reason for feeling the way I do. I thought I was better, but I really am just bitter. It is difficult.
I’m not alone. But I feel inexplicably lonely. It is difficult.
I have so many things to manage and it’s only the 3rd week into the year. I didn’t even bother to make new year resolutions. It sure feels difficult.
I tell myself not to listen to the noises. And to look for Your still voice. But right now, it is difficult.
Every time I think about it, I remind myself how I’m not good enough. How I’ve given my best years. How often I’ve been overlooked. How truly “unhealthy” I am. That I’ve let myself go. Too many times I’ve run on borrowed confidence. I’m reminded of many things that I’ve swept under the rug. There are things that Marie Kondo can’t see and only you know what it sparks.
I’m writing this down, because I want to know this feeling. Acknowledge it and know this hurt. And as these words leave my fingers to be put on screen, it will no longer have a hold on me.
I will not dwell in this.
I will not cry until I have migraines anymore.
It is difficult. Yes.
And You said I am more than an overcomer. This is not a but. Help me.
Oh, Ellie. You’ll continue smiling and pretending like nothing happened. You’ll give appropriate answers. Because that’s what you do to keep the unity.
God has been so good to me. I realised that I’ve only God (and the parentals who never said no to us traveling) to thank for the blessings to be able to travel and travel safely. I wanted to keep track of how many countries I’ve been to so, here goes!
May there be so many more <3 Thanks to You.
Perhaps I’ve been hanging around too many married couples these days. Or I’ve just witnessed a bit too many newborns and hearing about many moms who are expecting. Don’t get me wrong, I’m absolutely thrilled for my friends and family who are celebrating these joys. I look forward to their big days and their little bundle of joys whom I will call my buddies.
But oh, how sweet it would be. If I could have these joys for myself.
Waiting is hard. Asking the Lord to guard my heart is hard. Praying that He’ll lead me to His best. For me. Is hard.
I expect many experience this too and I’m definitely not alone in experiencing this season of wilderness and struggle. Maybe I’m just tired and feeling a bit ‘tawar hati’ or having ‘the future is bleak’ thoughts. Again, am learning to declare that despite these ‘feelings’, His way is perfect and good, and there is no shadow of changing with Him.
I’m trying.
Still, it would be nice. If I could have you.
These are just non-exhaustive list of things i would like to do as part of my bucket list. One experience and adventure at a time.
There’s always a problem with staying put. Especially when everyone else is moving forward.
Whatever you decide, don’t stay because you are afraid of change, saying goodbye, or ending up alone. There is nothing more harmful to your heart and soul than sharing them with someone not meant for you. – Beau Taplin
I want to move forward. And i remind myself that in order to do that, i need to be OK with being alone. God, You know what’s best. I leave it to Your trustworthy hands.
Don’t push the panic button just yet, Ellie. You’re alright.
To be one with whom my heart resonates with.
People who don’t know me prolly won’t understand why i make the decisions that i do. My family, included.
What goes beyond the rational, seems to be ‘too much to ask for’. No, my standards are not too high. And no, i’m not being picky or fussy or hard to deal with. Yes, a person may have a stable job, a nice house, serves in the House of God and oh, he’s nice…and for most people, this is a rare find. But for some reason, it wasn’t enough for me. It just didn’t…resonate. There was no spark. I would be short-changing this person if i were to agree just because ‘everyone else’ thinks it’ll be a great match.
And i know me. I know that when i find that person, or if he were to find me, something would click. What happens then to the one that i had agreed with out of fear of being single for the rest of my life? I have faith that God has His best for me. It may be this person, it may not. Having faith, after all, is not in the absence of fear, rather, in spite of. I do not regret my decision. I quote my pastor for sharing, “I’d rather be single than to be married to the wrong person.”
I just want someone who resonates with me. Just one thing he says and does that will resonate my being with conviction and admiration. Someone i can look up to and have mutual respect for. Someone i can be the best of friends with.
I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.
I really believe in generosity.
Heck, i grew up in a Peranakan family which is more community-based Malay than it is being a calculative Chinese. (totally racist, yes, but you get my drift). So, i grew up always having more food than i needed on the table. AND learning that i should always prepare MORE than enough food for guests on the table. Why? Because ‘pantang’ to have less than more.
Getting saved and knowing that generosity is a kingdom value, wasn’t hard to accept at all. The struggle is more of teaching others to do the same. Truly, it is something to be caught, not taught. I thank God i caught this early…and having it instilled further as a believer of Christ, has proven to be more of a blessing to me even though i give to others.
Some things on generosity that i’ve learnt, practised and am still learning to practice:
Just a quick thought, if we could do it in our friends/families/business meetings, etc, WHY NOT in the church? My own reasoning is this: because there is an evident ‘blessing’ that we see > i gain friendship, favor and prolly a business deal in tow.
But please see God’s Word and meditate on this:
And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19)
My bank account is not limited because He says its not.
:: Fragile Things :: 